Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Vampires, Swine Flu, and Other Things That Might Kill You

So I'm not much of a Twilight fan and I kind of didn't know that the Edward guy and the Bella chick were a real life thing until I walked into 7-11 today and saw the September 3 cover of OK! magazine. It's headline blared ENGAGED! Now I'm sure Myra can fill us in on the veracity of this claim, but if it's true I feel really bad for Stephenie Meyer. That is not the kind of pressure anyone needs. It really got me thinking. Had Stephenie Meyer not written the books (or had they not been published or not become popular or any number of other ifs) then the movies never would have been made and these two kids probably would have never worked together and they therefore would not have fallen in love and they wouldn't be rumored by OK! magazine to be ENGAGED! So basically, their entire lives have been altered because of some Mormon lady's imagination. That's just plain scary. And now, if they marry and eventually divorce, which, let's face it, they probably will, some of the anguish and hurt feelings and animosity that seems to associate itself with divorce will be at least partially Stephenie Meyer's fault. The whole thing reminds me of Back to the Future, but then again, most things do.

Did you hear about CNN medical correspondent and one time candidate for Surgeon General, Sanjay Gupta contracting the swine flu? I'd say that pretty much guarantees the rest of us getting it too. I mean, if Sanjay Gupta can't stay healthy, what are the chances of me, who spends his day in close proximity to 56 runny-nosed third graders, staving off the virus? The only thing that sounds worse than getting the "swine flu" is coming down with a case of the "Guptas."

Speaking of vampires, The Wife sunk her fangs into my creative genius and extracted my "If you could be any animal, what animal would you be?" question for use as a journal prompt with her sixth graders. One girl responded, "I wouldn't be any animal. I'd want to be a vampire. But not a sparkling, moral kind of vampire. More like Vladimir Tod." I hope she doesn't say that to OK! magazine. Robsten would not be impressed.

And I'd like to send a message to Ms. Hannah Montana. Ms. Montana, could you please stop recording catchy tunes? Despite the self-loathing that immediately follows, I can't help singing along to "Party in the U.S.A.", and neither can The Wife.

19 comments:

The Wife said...

Probably wasn't necessary to drag me down with you. But while we're on the subject,
Noddin' my head like yeah,
Movin' my hips like yeah...

Larissa said...

Re: Hannah Montana - YES! When the song comes on the radio, my 4 year old daughter goes, "Hey, Mom, it's you're favorite song!"

Yikes.

Tracy Edward Wymer said...

I neglect to comment on this post. I must go wash my hands.

Monica said...

There was this summer camp that encountered an outbreak of H1N1, and the only people spared were the kitchen staff (who presumably wash their hands more than anyone else).

So, yeah, Mr. Murphy, wash thy hands. Use hand sanitizer, and make sure you have some for the kids to use (just make sure they don't drink it).

Hand washing, however, will not rescue you from vampires, mormons, or Hannah Montana. (well, at least there are no studies that support that)


Is TEW no longer on the lam?

Lily Cate said...

See, what I still don't get is, in BttF 3, why did he have to hide from himself in the future?
Wouldn't he automatically remember when he had time travelled in his own past the way Henry does in Time Traveler's Wife?
And they have hoverboareds and self cleaning clothes, but no internet. Everyone is still using pixelated black and white faxes. What a bleak future indeed.

Tracy Edward Wymer said...

I am off the lam... I think.

FYI - a brief stint on the lam is good for the writing soul.

Corey Schwartz said...

Ha, very amusing. And The Wife is funny too :)

MG Higgins said...

What's the photo of? It looks like a "Y" spelled out in string lights in a tiny TV screen.

Amy said...

Even though I'm new to your blog, I'll take a shot at MG Higgins' question...it's a model of the flux capacitor (sp?) right?? Great blog. Came by way of Anita Laydon Miller. How are you finding The Glass Castle?

Anita said...

That song hasn't stuck with me at all! Every day I wake up with NO SURPRISE in my head, though. It's getting a little annoying, frankly. And after you did that damn post on IT'S GOING TO BE A GOOD, GOOD NIGHT, I was singing it for a week.

Monica said...

Thanks, Anita. I think that "good good night" was out of my head for a good 15 minutes, now its right back in there again.

Paul Michael Murphy said...

I got a feeling (whoo-hoo!)...

Paul Michael Murphy said...

And yes, it is a flux capacitor. Probably not a real one, though.

I'm 100 pages into The Glass Castle and I'm probably not supposed to, but I find both parents enamoring. I recognize that they're kind of crappy parents and incredibly irresponsible adults, but they're really entertaining people and I find myself agreeing with parts of their philosophies on life.

MG Higgins said...

Thanks. Now I understand Lily Cate's reference to BttF 3. That's why I don't write stories involving time-travel. You have to be a genius to deal with the logic.

Anita said...

MONICA: I screwed myself over by mentioning it, too. Have been singing it ever since I typed the title here. My kids tell me singing ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT will get anything else out of your head, but is that what I really want?

PMM: I loved THE GLASS CASTLE. I email-interviewed the author. It's on my blog somewhere. The parents get nuttier as you go, but there were many parts of their hearts that I loved, too. I think the author writes it so readers end up feeling conflicted. If she had hated her parents, it would've been a totally different book. NOt a good one. Somewhere on the internet (I think on the author's site), there's a video with the mom and some of her art. Very different from the GOOD GOOD NIGHT video you linked us to. Don't watch the mom video until you're done with the book!!!

Paul Michael Murphy said...

Good points, Lily Cate. And here are some more from one of my favorite blogs:

http://www.11points.com/Movies/11_Predictions_That_Back_to_the_Future_Part_II_Got_Wrong

Big Plain V said...

You are out of control, Murphy.

I'm left sort of dazed by the dizzying transition from Twilight to Gupta to Montana.

I think you should offer your readers dramamine in your banner.

Ocean Girl said...

Hi.

So which one is it H1N1 or Swine Flu? Do vampires catch it too?

I just came across your blog and would like to give a try :) It feels awkward sometimes to budge in a camaraderie.

Paul Michael Murphy said...

Welcome, Ocean Girl. All are welcome here, for without you and those who came before there would be no camaraderie. And I like camaraderie.

It is always Swine Flu. This "H1N1" stuff is nonsense, invented my government lackeys at the CDC to protect pig farmers who, as everyone knows, carry huge clout in Washington because their lobbyists are always comping senators bacon and pork chops. And hot dogs. Senators love hot dogs. Especially Evan Bayh, who is rumored to eat two hot dogs for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and who is known by his colleagues as 'Mustard Evan' because he insists that hot dogs should be eaten with mustard and nothing else.

Vampires can be carriers, but they don't exhibit symptoms. So try not to get bitten by one.