Sunday, January 3, 2010

Once Again, Bacon is Good

Somewhere along the line I developed the idea that eating is a competitive enterprise. It's probably my dad's fault. He grew up on a farm and was made to clean his plate at every meal. He's never said what would have happened had he refused this order, but having not grown up on a farm I can imagine all sorts of terrible things.

Last night I was faced with quite a challenge. For dinner I decided to clean out the freezer, so we had tater tots, pizza rolls, mini tacos, and chicken nuggets. I cleaned my plate. Then, because my Spartans were playing in a bowl game, my dad and I met up with my friend Brad at a sports bar where I ordered cheese fries with bacon. The waitress asked if I wanted a half order or a full order and I told her half, but if she didn't screw up the order then I'd hate to see what the full size Looks like.

There were actually three choices for the cheese fries. Just regular cheese fries were $4.09. I could add chili for a buck or bacon for fifty cents. But they put these huge chunks of tomato and green pepper in their chili and since it was fifty cents less I chose the bacon because it made me feel thrifty. Plus, bacon is really good. So is cheese, incidentally.

So the waitress sat the enormous plate of cheese and fries and bacon in front of me and I entered competitive mode. Eating is really a contest between you and the establishment serving the food. Here's how I see it: It costs the place x amount of money to buy and make the food. It costs me x amount more to buy it. The system is designed for the establishment to win, just like casinos. But sometimes you just know they're taking a loss on the thing and this inspires me. It's why I love buffets so much. At buffets, if you eat enough you tip the scale in your favor. Four trips later, there's no way they've made money on me.

I've bought bacon at a store before and the stuff's not cheap. And these cheese fries had real bacon in them, complete with the little globules of fat. And there was a lot of it. So I knew that if I ate the whole thing, the place would probably take a loss on me. I faced the challenge with enthusiasm.

But bacon's hard to eat with a fork. It breaks off into these hard little bits that can't be stabbed and forks are shit for scooping, so I did the only reasonable thing. I picked off wads of cheesy fries and swirled them around the plate allowing the grease and gooeyness of the cheese to absorb the bacon chunks.

It was good. And, with an assist from my friend Brad (I offered out of altruism, not because I couldn't have finished the whole thing myself), we cleaned our plates.

And then today I woke up with a stomachache and had the audacity to feel betrayed.


Anita said...

At our house, we call what you did "mixing genres." There were too many genres involved in your diet yesterday. If you'd had that nasty cheesy plate and a hamburger, you would've been fine. But you paired it with pizza rolls and mini tacos??! THAT'S audacity.

MG Higgins said...

Mmmm. Bacon. I bet your arteries are filing a lawsuit against you.

Anita said...

OH MY! You have to read THE HUNGER GAMES! So freakin good. I haven't been this excited about a book in a long time. Am almost done...have no idea wh's eaten what in this house this afternoon or what's for supper.

Unknown said...

Bacon is awesome on pretty much anything. Like the margins.

Anita - agree! A page-turner, but with too much fashionista stuff for a dude to enjoy that whole tangent.

Unknown said...

I've read it and its sequel. Pure story.

(Although the details about their outfits I could have done without, but I'm a guy.)

Monica said...

i think i threw up a little...

Heather Kelly said...

Paul--Thanks for the chuckle. And the vicarious stomach ache!

Anita--Loved Hunger Games. Can't wait to read the sequel!

Anita said...

TRACY & PAUL: It's weird, but I didn't even think about the male perspective regarding the outfits. Hah! I will have to issue a wardrobe-heavy disclaimer when I recommend it in my column. Notice HEATHER doesn't mention having a problem with the outfits!

Unknown said...

And I didn't even read Tracy's comment before writing my own.

Great minds indeed.

Kelly Polark said...

Mmmm, bacon fries!
I have a different philosophy when I eat (at home or in a restaurant).I always try to leave food on the plate. Even if I leave just one bite, I feel a little better that I didn't eat everything!

Wendy Sparrow said...

There is a song by Hoops and Yoyo called "It's time for Bacon." It's a classic.

I love bacon. I also loved the last line of this post. Classic. I don't use the word audacity enough.

I'm the same way about eating, buffets, and bacon. We're like eating twins--although--judging from pictures of you--it's been a kinder backlash on you. Damn you and your male "I can eat anything" genes.

Mmm. Bacon is good. I'm just getting over the stomach flu, though, and I once hurled bacon-wrapped filet mignon while I was sick with morning sickness. I've never had it since. I definitely shouldn't ruin bacon itself that way.

Mmm. Bacon.

Unknown said...

Whoever thought of the idea of wrapping one meat with another meat should win the Nobel Peace Prize.

I mean, if Obama won for doing...

then surely the man (and I'm thinking it had to be a man) who gave us bacon wrapped filet mignon is deserving.

Sarah Dooley said...

I woke up craving bacon and eggs this morning. Instead I had yogurt and a carnation instant breakfast. And then I read this post. I hate you.

I'm having bacon tomorrow.

And I don't really hate you.