Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Justin Bieber's Hair Attacked Me

Last night I was attacked by Justin Bieber’s hair. Here’s how it all went down:

I was watching TV with the wife. She likes to watch these shows about celebrities. You know the ones. The Osmond family is highlighted at what seems a frequency incommensurate with their fame. Anyway, there was this kid on the show. I’d never seen him before. “Who’s that?” I asked.

“Justin Bieber,” the wife said. She’s knowledgeable about such things.

“Who’s he?”

She told me he’s this kid who sings some song. All the girls love him, apparently.

“What’s up with his hair?”

It’s his trademark, she said, what he’s known for. Like Michael Jackson’s glove or Ellen Degeneres’s… humor. The girls love it, I guess.

“It looks ridiculous.” And it did. It was pretty in a way-- nice hair, I mean, but odd. It was sort of brushed forward like he’d been walking with a strong wind at his back and it got whipped around his face and he’d just left it there.

“The girls love it.”

I pushawed. I don’t understand “the girls.” Never did.

An hour or so later I was outside pushing the wheeled trash receptacle down to the curb. It was dark out. I like to wait until dark because I don’t want my neighbors to know I make trash. I turned around to head back to the house when someone hissed, “Hey, buddy.”

Except it was not a someone. It was an it. Specifically, it was Justin Bieber’s hair. It was floating, looking like a really nice toupee, right there above my driveway.

“What are you doing here?” I asked it. It seemed like a good question at the time.

“I heard what you said about me,” said Justin Bieber’s hair.


“I have certain…abilities.”

“Whatever. I’m heading back in. I don’t spend my nights talking with disembodied hairdos.”

That’s when Justin Bieber’s hair attacked me. It leaped at my face and tried to gouge out my eyeballs, but mostly it just tickled. It was really soft and I couldn’t help noticing that it smelled good too, like vanilla and lavender. “You will respect me!” Justin Bieber’s hair yelled in a girlish voice.

I was about to grab for the hair to rip it from my face, but just then a few strands found their way into my mouth and the taste! Oh, the taste! “Certain abilities” indeed! I would compare it, were there anything on this Earth to compare it to!

Okay, I’ll try. How’s this: It tasted like a rainbow would taste if you had giant hands and could squeeze the rainbow and extract rainbow juice. Yes, just like that! It tasted like rainbow juice.

Needless to say, I abandoned my attempt to free myself from its intoxicating clutches and instead slurped. I slurped Justin Bieber’s hair. And it tasted divine. When I was done, the hair pulled itself from my face. “So,” it said, all haughty.

“So,” I answered.

The hair stared at me.

“It would seem I owe you an apology,” I told it.

“It would seem.”

“I am sorry. I…didn’t understand.”

“Not many do.” And then Justin Bieber’s hair departed, like a rainbow-flavored, vanilla and lavender-scented zephyr, back to Atlanta. Back to Justin’s head. Back to its improbable, glorious existence.


Valerie Geary said...

Oh. My. God. Pure genius!

Kelly Polark said...

OMG. You have me rolling on the floor! Hilarious.
I am all too aware of Justin Bieber with a second grader who occasionally watches Disney channel. But I'm not saying anything about him. Because garbage day is tomorrow.

Kelly Polark said...

I just read this to my ten year old son. He giggled too.

Anita said...

Atlanta? I used to live in Atlanta. I think I'll come back here in a few minutes and comment like ten paragraphs worth about my Atlanta experience. Yeah.

Isn't the wife usually in caps?

Unknown said...

I hear this kid's name every day in class. Every. Rainbow-scented. Day.

Unknown said...

The Wife is in caps when the story is true.

Lisa said...

This is too awesome.

Jonathon Arntson said...

Got it: Bieber's hair tastes like Skittles.

Also, thanks for introducing me to this new celeb. Never heard of him before.

Also, that was hilarious.

Kelly Polark said...

You have no idea what chaos this created for dinnertime. My oldest told my youngest that he looked like Justin Bieber and youngest cried. Then everyone was Justin Bieber. It created such chaos that my husband banned the word "Justin Bieber" except he said "Justin Beaver" which made everyone laugh all the more.
Now I just had to read this to my younger two as a bedtime story after oldest told them about it.
I had no idea what power Justin Bieber's hair had until today...

Anonymous said...

With everyone else on this page I have to agree with the sentiment, HILARIOUS! I was sitting here rolling with laughter (the kind of laughter that makes your stomach hurt!) while reading. I think I just might consider taking my trash out from now on when it's light outside, just in case! From the "surprise visitor"!

The Wife said...


Debra Lynn Lazar said...

You, my friend, win the prize of making me crack up laughing on one of the worst days of my life. Me and Justin Bieber's hair, owe you one. (BTW, I'm tweeting this.)

Kelly Polark said...

The saga continues. I had to lay in bed with my five year old last night longer than usual. Why? Because he was afraid he was going to have nightmares about Justin Bieber's hair. He wouldn't play in his room this morning because he was "a little scared." I had to convince him the story was fiction.
I am not making this stuff up!
Darn you Justin Bieber and your rainbow flavored hair!

Unknown said...

Kelly, I feel bad for your kid, but that is awesome. And it's probably healthy. One should fear hair that looks like that.

chris said...

Who the hell is Justin Bieber?

Unknown said...

Watch yourself, Chris.

Tina Laurel Lee said...

I'm torn between reading this to my children or protecting their innocence.

Anita said...

Don't feel bad for kid made me watch her dance video at least a hundred times. I actually have her moves memorized. The pool move is the hardest, but Boy says that's just cuz I'm not in water.

Carla said...

Okay, I realize I am probably way late on this...but this is great! I am sitting on the couch, laughing to myself (moreso at the fact that you don't want your neighbors to know you make garbage) and Ethan is going "Mom, seriously, what is so funny!?!?!" Great story...and really, what is this Beiber sensation all about?

R.JS said...

Hahahaha ... this is just too funny! I was googling JB's hair with this as the search term: "What's up with Justin Bieber's Hair" & the search results gave me this. Brilliant!

Erica said...

omw. i no this is lake way late but i was just lookin at a few pictures of justin bieber and noticed it was all swept forward. then i searched whats up with justin biebers hair and found this! i like justin biebers song and thats it. i dont like him. everyone is crazy about him. i drives me insane. im a 14 year old girl BUT i dont have bieber fever which im happy for. why is everyone mad about him?

Unknown said...


As someone who has studied the Bieber phenomenon in some depth, I postulate the following as it relates to people's madness:

1. Bieber's voice has the pitch of angels.

2. Bieber's hair defies the law of physics and therefore one must at least entertain the possibility that he is not of this planet, but has instead been sent here to save us from ourselves.

3. Bieber's skin emits an intoxicating, though completely odorless, aroma that is especially beguiling to girls such as yourself. (It should be noted that denying you've been bewitched is a proven symptom of this affliction.)

4. Beiber was born in Canada, and like many Canadian things, he is inexplicable. Studying him, as I have, is a folly reserved for only the most conceited among us, for one cannot study Bieber without becoming enchanted by his girlish good looks, angelic voice, physics-defying hair, and intoxicating body odor. How can one quantify perfection? How can any man retain objectivity when the yearnings of his heart ultimately betray him? Indeed, how can a researcher such as myself deem another crazy when he is unable to express his feelings with mere words, or at least those feeble words with which he's been provided?

Berk undooly trival gork! That is how he makes me feel! There! Call me crazy if you must! If loving Bieber is crazy then lock me in the asylum and throw away the key! But allow me my music! Allow me my Bieber!