Saturday, April 17, 2010

I'm trying to lose weight

This has absolutely nothing to do with writing, so if you're looking for some insight on that subject, I suggest checking elsewhere. (Anita's at least trying to connect her exercise posts to writing.) Actually, even if this was going to be about writing, I'd still suggest you seek knowledge elsewhere because I don't really know what the hell I'm doing.

I'm trying to lose weight. I'm not going to get into all of methods I'm employing because whenever I do people try to tell me I'm going about it all wrong. And of course they're wrong, which makes things really awkward because I then have a choice of getting into an argument or pretending to be open-minded about what they have to say.

Anyway, obviously, I'm exercising some. I jog. I walk. Here are some thoughts I had while walking and jogging lately:

  • I feel like a tough guy when I'm running into the wind. (It reminds me of when Rocky was training for his fight against Ivan Drago.) And I feel super fast and in shape when I'm running with the wind.
  • I keep my mouth closed when I run because a. you look like an idiot otherwise and b. I'm always afraid one of those fat, lethargic, and seemingly confused bees is going to fly right down my throat. Swallowing a bee is one of my greatest fears, right behind reaching into a dark hole and being attacked by scorpions.
  • When running on the sidewalk, I still try to avoid stepping on cracks. You're welcome, Mom.
  • It's a damn good thing birds don't realize how terrified I am of them.
  • One of the more annoying things about running is it seems to produce a kind of watery snot that I really don't know what to do with. I don't want to bring Kleenex with me. Handkerchiefs are just disgusting and, as I am not yet over the age of seventy, may even be illegal. I'm not an accomplished snot rocket launcher, so the bottom of my shirt it is.
  • People who own dogs and allow them out of the house should keep them on a leash.
  • I run faster when people are watching. I also suck in my gut more and hold my breath so they can't tell how out of shape I am.
  • Joggers apparently feel a kind of kinship with fellow joggers, no matter the difference in fitness level. I'd rather they didn't, because it's hard to reciprocate a greeting when you're holding your breath and sucking in your gut.


Jonathon Arntson said...


Betty (Beth) said...

Good luck with the working out, Murph. :-) I'm trying to do the same (unsuccessfully so far).

Debra L. Schubert said...

I hate cardio, so I'm doing 1,000 sit-ups a day instead. You'd think my tummy would look like Jennifer Aniston's by now, but you'd be wrong. Maybe in another month. (Not likely.)

Tracy Edward Wymer said...

Shocking picture. Really. Shocking. I'd say you are going about it the right way, since I do most of the things you listed, especially snot launching, I've perfected that one.

Anita said...

I'm so happy you're exercising. I think everything is better for a person when they're fitter. I exercise daily and I should be super fit, but I also eat and eat and, basically, I stay about the same. Chewing gum really helps me eat less, but then my kids see the gum and they chew it and then they get cavities, which cost a lot and really stink going in. Keep exercising so you don't get as big as the guy in the picture.

You know what's horrible? If my husband were, let' say, 20 pounds overweight, I'd tell him to get his lazy butt exercising and I'd put him on a special diet. But if my husband ever told me ANYTHING about my weight, well...I don't even want to mention what I'd do.

Judy Croome said...

Haha! And that image has made me feel a lot better. I've got an indoor treadmill so no-one sees or hears me suffer in my quest for fitness except my cat.

Elliot Grace said...

...birds,bees,dogs & cracks? And you sometimes feel like Rocky? Okay...Balboa always had his mouth open while running,gulping that Phila pollution. He'd no doubt swallow the bees, let 'em buzz around for a while, then fly out an ear. I'm betting birds shied away from him, considering he had a thing for raw eggs. Dogs he simply picked up and carried with him. And as for cracks...well, I'd get advice from Jack Nicholson on that:)

Kelly said...

Run like the wind, Murph.

Paul Michael Murphy said...

I do, Kelly. If the wind is really slow and sometimes stops to catch its breath.

Amy Allgeyer Cook said...

The bird fear is completely understandable. I had a friend ran into one while riding her bike. It took seven stitches in her forehead to close up the beak hole.

Good luck with the weight loss! You're a runner, and that's impressive.