Sunday, April 26, 2009

Husband Fail

About a week ago The Wife gave me a new job. I did not apply for it. She said, "Murph, your job is to remind me to brush Little One's teeth before bed." I said okay, although I was pretty sure I'd forget.

Last night, The Wife attended a charity fundraiser (that sounds a lot cooler than it actually was), so it was left to me to put Little One to bed. I was very proud of myself for remembering to brush her teeth. I walked her into the bathroom and grabbed her tiny toothbrush. Then I looked for the toothpaste. I vaguely remembered that Little One used different toothpaste than Mommy and Daddy did. There was a tube lying next to our toothpaste so I assumed that was it. I grabbed it, squeezed some out on the toothbrush and went to work. Little One started gagging and I thought, "Oh, she's like me," because I gag easily. In fact, of all the scary things in a doctor's examining room, tongue depressors fill me with the most dread. I've considered hiding them before. So I kept brushing her teeth and things were going well. Except for the gagging business.

Then I went to rinse the toothbrush and the stuff was not acting like toothpaste. It was like washing butter off a knife. It got wet and smeary and I suppose some came off, but mostly it just spread and became real filmy.

Me: Hmm, this isn't right.

So I picked up the tube. DESITIN, it said.

Me: Oops.

I told Little One that I used the wrong toothpaste and quickly went to work scrubbing her teeth and tongue with a towel. I got most of it. Then we brushed teeth for realsies and I gave her a huge cup of water.

Me: Let's not tell Mommy about this one, okay?
Little One: Did you use the wrong toothpaste, Dad?
Me: Yeah.
Little One: I didn't like it.
Me: I'm not surprised.

Put her to bed. Checked the google to see how toxic zinc oxide is (not very, thank God). Waited for The Wife to get home, which she did minutes later. I fessed up for three reasons.

1. Little One would have told her anyway.
2. It was funny.
3. Chances are high I'll be banned from doing this job henceforth. And that wouldn't be all bad.


Debra Lynn Shelton said...

Husband Fail - brilliant! If you had a Husband Fail day on your blog it would put Agent Fail to shame! I love that you fessed up. It's hard to get anything past the wife, after all, we wives are smarter and can sense when things are "off" especially where our spouses and children are concerned. I do feel bad for Little One. I hope the fact that her father tried to inadvertently poison her, doesn't scar her for life.

Word ver: menta - That's MENSA for stupid people.

Monica said...

awesome. That's just freaking awesome.

One time, my dad brushed his teeth (false) with hemmorhoid cream... yeah.....The same thing occurred to him... that it didnt act like toothpaste. He also used to wash dishes in the tub, and tried to clean the bathroom with oven cleaner. My dad was very good at not reading labels.

Unknown said...

I'm glad my abject failure amuses you.

Anita said...

My husband is in charge of all battery-charging in our household, including telephones. So...when I was accidentally giving birth on our bedroom floor and husband calls 911, I was not happy to hear the beep beep beep which signals our phone battery is dying. Fortunately, firefighters arrived before battery gave out (and right before baby came out).

Unknown said...

See? Compared to Anita's husband, what I did was nothing.

Unknown said...

This is hilarious... Desitin?... disgusting... at least her mouth is clear of any rashes for some time to come...

Kelly Polark said...

Funny! And glad it isn't toxic!
I left my hubby early to care for the kids last week one day while I subbed. He forgot to feed them breakfast!
Are you guys doing this stuff on purpose so you don't have to do it again??

Monica said...

would it be too much to ask to hear from The Wife about this?

Matty said...

This just happened with our son too. It's expected when you leave him with a Russian speaking caregiver. He also ate a full tube of toothpaste and soup that had been sitting out for 2 days. He's either got a stomach made of steel or he has about a month to live. We're not that great of parents either. :)