So I'm a little bummed out today because I have three more rejections sitting in my inbox than I did yesterday. While part of me wants to whine about the process in the hopes that a few people will feel sorry for me, another part of me knows that 1. rejection is part of the deal 2. there are some reading this who've been rejected more times than Barack Obama has said "uh" and 3. nobody really likes a whiner.
So instead of that, I'm going to recycle something I posted on a blog before I had three names. (Apologies to family members who've already read this.)
This is a list of ten overrated foods and drinks. This is not to be considered a “top ten” because I’m sure I missed a number of overrated items. Also, this is not a “foods and drinks that suck” list. These are foods and drinks that are held in high esteem by many people, but which in reality suck for some reason. As always, feel free to add your own, but remember the guidelines here. No fair putting “mushrooms” for instance. Everyone knows mushrooms are awful and if you like them, you’re the one that’s abnormal.
TEN OVERRATED FOODS and DRINKS (in no particular order)
** Marshmallows–not a food. More like a Styrofoam-chalk hybrid. And before you get all “but what about s’mores?!” on me, s’mores suck too and it’s not the fault of the graham cracker or the chocolate.
** Lobster–too much work, not enough meat. I don’t like my food to challenge me.
** Raisins–this one’s borderline because I don’t actually know any adults that sit around and eat these things. However, when I was a kid I do remember eating raisins and even then I wondered why. It is my firm belief that if there were no children in this world, raisins would cease to exist. (And so would this song. And this song. And whatever the hell this is.)
** Caviar–Never had it. Don’t need to. Gross.
** Fried chicken–Similar to lobster in that it tastes good, but it’s a pain in the you-know-what to eat. You have to gnaw at it like a caveman and then the skin always comes off in one piece, and then when you get down to the bone you either have the choice of sucking off every last morsel of meat and in the process dealing with parts that aren’t really meat but also aren’t bone, or you can just say the hell with it and risk having someone (usually older and male) say, “There’s still some meat on there.” I'll take the chicken fingers.
** Cupcakes–Maybe this is because I’m a teacher and some kid brings me one almost every day for their birthday, but cupcakes are the poor man’s dessert. Cake is good. Cups are useful. Put them together and you get a cruddy treat.
** Heineken beer–I believe most people who can drink this so-called adult beverage do so only because it makes them feel sophisticated and superior to those of us who drink beers that actually taste good (okay, decent). These same people buy fancy cheeses and claim to know things about wine.
** Water–I know I’m supposed to drink this, but I almost always find myself drinking something with flavor instead. It’s not so much that water is bad (it can’t really be described as anything other than neutral), it’s that so many other beverages taste better. Grape Kool-Aid, for example.
** Corn on the cob–I’m sure someone out there is, at this very moment, getting their hackles up (I've always wanted to write that), but in corn on the cob we have a food that isn’t very good to start with (corn) that we put on this big cylindrical thing (the cob) that makes it harder to eat. If you actually want to eat it while the corn is still hot, you need these things. Then, even if you succeed at getting the corn off the cob and into your mouth you are left with little bits of kernel stuck in your teeth that your tongue will diddle the rest of the day. You will also still be hungry, because there just isn’t that much corn on the cob.
** Watermelon–Don’t get me wrong, I like watermelon, but it’s still overrated. A lot of people adore watermelon and that’s taking it too far. First, if we’re talking about the fruit in its natural state, there is the seed problem (See fried chicken, lobster, and corn on the cob). Second, watermelon almost tastes really good. It’s like when you make grape Kool-Aid but only put in half the needed sugar. The thing is, watermelon mostly tastes like water and you already know how I feel about that stuff.
So there it is. A couple of things. First, I'm not very cosmopolitan, so there are lots of foods that I have never eaten and probably never will that did not have the chance to make the above list. Feel free to add them in the comments (and expose yourself as an elitist snob).
Second, I do realize that the above could still be considered whining, which I sort of implied I wasn't going to do. My defense is simple. The top ten overrated foods isn't whining, it's more like complaining. Or grumbling. Very different things. In my experience, people don't mind complaining, as long as it's done somewhat humorously. (So you'll have to be the judge of that. And don't let the fact that corn on the cob is on the list affect your overall enjoyment of the post. That's not fair.)
Third. Yes, "elitist snob" is redundant, but I feel strongly about it and when I feel strongly about something, redundancy is an excellent weapon.
Off to gather some more rejections!