1. Velcro Shoes--Slogan: When shoelaces are just too damn complicated.
2. Overalls--You may only wear overalls if one of two things is true--1. you're working on a car, 2. You're dressed up as Uncle Jessie.
3. Visors--Usually worn by golfers or overrated football coaches, visors were created for men who want to wear a hat, but don't want to muss their hair. Not manly.
4. Bow ties--Exhibit A. Exhibit B. Exhibit C. Exhibit D.
5. Jean shorts--I shouldn't need to elaborate, but let me add that if you created your own jean shorts by slicing the legs off an old pair of jeans, then you should probably just go ahead and have the sex change. You should also get yourself a visor.
6. Black socks with tennis shoes, or, God forbid, sandals--What are people who do this thinking? Did they get home after a hard day at the office and just figure it was too much work to change their socks? Do they not own any white socks? Do they think this looks good? Would someone who wears black socks with tennis shoes or sandals please explain your thinking? I'd really like to know.
7. Camouflage--You are not in the army; the army won't accept people like you. You are not going into combat. (Unless you think the local Publix is a war zone.) You are not even attempting to blend in with your surroundings. In fact, you're drawing attention to yourself and you look like an idiot. An idiot who is trying to send the message that he's a man not to be trifled with, but who actually sends the message that he is a complete loser who was probably picked on in grade school and who goes home at night to work on his "manifesto."
8. Speedos--That area of the male anatomy, no matter how well developed, does not need that kind of attention drawn to it. Women don't want to see it, men don't want to see it, and children should not have to see it. Perv.
9. Mittens--Gloves, yes. Mittens, no. In fact, while I'm on it, what's the point of anyone wearing mittens? Does the person who wears mittens say, "You know, my hands are awfully cold and I'd really like to limit my ability to manipulate objects with them?"
10. Crocs--Spare me your impassioned defense. I don't care how comfortable they are. Sweat pants are comfortable, but you wouldn't be caught dead wearing them in public. These things were comfortable too. Crocs are the fugliest footwear ever known to man. Please stop wearing them. I'm talking to you, Mario Batali.
11. Tight Pants--See Speedos
12. Anything Disney--Granted, this is mostly a female thing, but I want to be sure everyone understands that if this attire is inappropriate for grown women, (and it is. My Lord, is it ever.) it is quadruply so for grown men.
13. Denim shirts or jackets--In this picture, note how the coolness that I'm pretty sure this guy possesses is obliterated by his shirt.