Sunday, July 19, 2009

Things Men Should Not Wear

1. Velcro Shoes--Slogan: When shoelaces are just too damn complicated.

2. Overalls--You may only wear overalls if one of two things is true--1. you're working on a car, 2. You're dressed up as Uncle Jessie.

3. Visors--Usually worn by golfers or overrated football coaches, visors were created for men who want to wear a hat, but don't want to muss their hair. Not manly.

4. Bow ties--Exhibit A. Exhibit B. Exhibit C. Exhibit D.

5. Jean shorts--I shouldn't need to elaborate, but let me add that if you created your own jean shorts by slicing the legs off an old pair of jeans, then you should probably just go ahead and have the sex change. You should also get yourself a visor.

6. Black socks with tennis shoes, or, God forbid, sandals--What are people who do this thinking? Did they get home after a hard day at the office and just figure it was too much work to change their socks? Do they not own any white socks? Do they think this looks good? Would someone who wears black socks with tennis shoes or sandals please explain your thinking? I'd really like to know.

7. Camouflage--You are not in the army; the army won't accept people like you. You are not going into combat. (Unless you think the local Publix is a war zone.) You are not even attempting to blend in with your surroundings. In fact, you're drawing attention to yourself and you look like an idiot. An idiot who is trying to send the message that he's a man not to be trifled with, but who actually sends the message that he is a complete loser who was probably picked on in grade school and who goes home at night to work on his "manifesto."

8. Speedos--That area of the male anatomy, no matter how well developed, does not need that kind of attention drawn to it. Women don't want to see it, men don't want to see it, and children should not have to see it. Perv.

9. Mittens--Gloves, yes. Mittens, no. In fact, while I'm on it, what's the point of anyone wearing mittens? Does the person who wears mittens say, "You know, my hands are awfully cold and I'd really like to limit my ability to manipulate objects with them?"

10. Crocs--Spare me your impassioned defense. I don't care how comfortable they are. Sweat pants are comfortable, but you wouldn't be caught dead wearing them in public. These things were comfortable too. Crocs are the fugliest footwear ever known to man. Please stop wearing them. I'm talking to you, Mario Batali.

11. Tight Pants--See Speedos

12. Anything Disney--Granted, this is mostly a female thing, but I want to be sure everyone understands that if this attire is inappropriate for grown women, (and it is. My Lord, is it ever.) it is quadruply so for grown men.

13. Denim shirts or jackets--In this picture, note how the coolness that I'm pretty sure this guy possesses is obliterated by his shirt.

22 comments:

DebraLSchubert said...

Murph, Thanks for the laughs. I read this out loud to my husband. He promises never to wear crocs with his speedos and visor again.;-)

Paul Michael Murphy said...

If I can influence just one person...

Adam said...

Are you including the classic choppers in the mitten category? They are the hand covering of choice up here in man's country aka northern wisconsin.

Craig said...

Hilarious Murph! I take offense to your distaste of the visor though, I wear one while golfing because my heads sweats so much I need the big hole on top. Don't worry, I look really fly.

Paul Michael Murphy said...

Trust me, you do not look fly. Might I suggest a towel?

Sarah Dooley said...

Bowtie exhibit D had me rolling.

chris said...

Well then, me and my mittens are jsutfdgbkg viqong to sabihgrb tghen!!!!

jerklk

Jacqui said...

Oh, thank you thank you for the camouflage thing. May I add that nobody should be purchasing camouflage print shirts for my toddler son?

Paul Michael Murphy said...

Chris--That is awesome. I would appreciate more hilarious comments in the future.

Lily Cate said...

In defense of mittens- they keep my hands warmer. If I have to shovel 20" of snow, it's mittens all the way.


And Jacqui's right- enough with the boy's camo clothes!
Why is it always based on the jungle pattern, anyway? Where are the updated desert fatigues bandana and sweatpants?

Tracy Edward Wymer said...

According to my brother-in-law, via this thing called Facebook, I should not wear a Derby cap either... maybe it's a little old-fashioned and my fellow Derby wearers are two (okay three) generations ahead of me, but I still like it.

Paul Michael Murphy said...

I have no problem with the Derby cap.

I doubted your claim that mittens were warmer than gloves but the Internet seems to confirm it. So while mittens may be practical in some instances, they're still unmanly. Real men know that it's better to look manly, even if that does mean some level of discomfort.

Monica said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Monica said...

Cops talk to man about "ill-fitting thong"
Man told to find "more suitable clothing"

thongs.. well or ill fitting.

Monica said...

ok. now i've got a picture in my head of Deb's husband in a speedo and crocs.... there are some things you can just not unsee.


aww,, camo is out, even for kids? my nephew used to love thinking that we couldn't see him when he lay down on the lawn...

Kelly said...

Deb, now you will have to post a picture of your husband in a speedo wearing a visor and crocs.
My poor father. He has SO many of those denim shirts.
Can I still wear my pink and gray camouflage pants? Speaking of camo, my son received a camo receiving blanket when he was born. I couldn't find him for days!

Anonymous said...

You are WAY off on the jean shorts. Cut-offs rule.

Miss List Maker said...

Totally agree. But this is just the tip of the iceburg. How about these?

http://listsonthenothernline.blogspot.com/2011/05/things-men-should-never-wear.html

Anonymous said...

f^*k you murphy mittens are cool and chicks are smitten for a sweet fingerless glove mitten combos

CazeBlog said...

so silly lol an American fashion expert? And with a tiny dick afraid of speedos lol

Anonymous said...

You're not a real man unless you wear a visor and bow ties. Anyone including you who says otherwise isn't comfortable enough with themselves and can't pull them off.

Anonymous said...

Relax! Wear whatever you please. Unless you're writing a satirical piece, this sort of no-no list should have died 20 or 30 or 50 years ago.