I hate ties. Not the kind men wear in order to fool people into thinking they're respectable members of society, but those that result in no clear winner. Ties are for wimps like T-ball coaches, Ara Parseghian, and Bud Selig. There will be no ties allowed on this blog.
But right now, that's exactly what we have in the Great Chocolate Milk Debate. By my count we have six votes for real chocolate milk, six votes for crappy, make-it-yourself chocolate milk (no offense), and a few people who basically voted "present."
Now, I could just pull rank and say that my vote counts twice because it's my blog, but I respect the democratic process too much for that sort of knavery. I've grappled over how best to resolve this deadlock and I think I've found a solution. There is one man in this country who is uniquely qualified to cast the tie-breaking vote, and so today I emailed him and requested his assistance in this matter. Here is the letter I sent:
Dear Mr. Vice President,
Many people, myself and Sarah Palin included, have no idea what exactly a Vice President does all day. I imagine that much of your time is devoted to such important matters as admiring your office rug in between games of Mahjong, or perhaps rereading the Constitution in the hopes of finding some loophole that might grant you powers other than that whole "President of the Senate" thing. You probably roll your eyes every time you read about your tie-breaking role, knowing that with a 58-40 majority the chance of you ever getting to actually cast a vote is about as likely as GM turning a profit next quarter.
Yet it is this enumerated duty which has led me to seek your help. This week, on my blog, there has been much debate over chocolate milk. Some people feel that store-bought chocolate milk is just about the best thing cows have ever given us (second behind prime rib, probably). Others prefer to make their own chocolate milk by stirring Hershey's syrup, Ovaltine, or even melted chocolate shavings into a glass of white milk. Unfortunately, we are deadlocked with six votes on each side and with such a weighty issue remaining unresolved, I fear gridlock (a subject with which, being a former senator yourself, I'm sure you're familiar). Please, Mr. Vice President, we need you to exercise the power vested in you by the Constitution and cast this all-important tie-breaking vote. It's not like you have anything all that better to do, right?
Vice President Biden, how do you take your chocolate milk?
We at Murphblog eagerly await your response.
Paul Michael Murphy
Founder, CEO, and follower of Murphblog
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Vice President, and that one word is "to be prepared." ---Dan Quayle