Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Deadlocked!

I hate ties. Not the kind men wear in order to fool people into thinking they're respectable members of society, but those that result in no clear winner. Ties are for wimps like T-ball coaches, Ara Parseghian, and Bud Selig. There will be no ties allowed on this blog.

But right now, that's exactly what we have in the Great Chocolate Milk Debate. By my count we have six votes for real chocolate milk, six votes for crappy, make-it-yourself chocolate milk (no offense), and a few people who basically voted "present."

Now, I could just pull rank and say that my vote counts twice because it's my blog, but I respect the democratic process too much for that sort of knavery. I've grappled over how best to resolve this deadlock and I think I've found a solution. There is one man in this country who is uniquely qualified to cast the tie-breaking vote, and so today I emailed him and requested his assistance in this matter. Here is the letter I sent:


Dear Mr. Vice President,

Many people, myself and Sarah Palin included, have no idea what exactly a Vice President does all day. I imagine that much of your time is devoted to such important matters as admiring your office rug in between games of Mahjong, or perhaps rereading the Constitution in the hopes of finding some loophole that might grant you powers other than that whole "President of the Senate" thing. You probably roll your eyes every time you read about your tie-breaking role, knowing that with a 58-40 majority the chance of you ever getting to actually cast a vote is about as likely as GM turning a profit next quarter.

Yet it is this enumerated duty which has led me to seek your help. This week, on my blog, there has been much debate over chocolate milk. Some people feel that store-bought chocolate milk is just about the best thing cows have ever given us (second behind prime rib, probably). Others prefer to make their own chocolate milk by stirring Hershey's syrup, Ovaltine, or even melted chocolate shavings into a glass of white milk. Unfortunately, we are deadlocked with six votes on each side and with such a weighty issue remaining unresolved, I fear gridlock (a subject with which, being a former senator yourself, I'm sure you're familiar). Please, Mr. Vice President, we need you to exercise the power vested in you by the Constitution and cast this all-important tie-breaking vote. It's not like you have anything all that better to do, right?

Vice President Biden, how do you take your chocolate milk?

We at Murphblog eagerly await your response.

Sincerely,

Paul Michael Murphy
Founder, CEO, and follower of Murphblog


"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Vice President, and that one word is "to be prepared." ---Dan Quayle

13 comments:

Jacqui said...

Oh holy cow patties, I hope you really sent that letter and he replies.

Paul Michael Murphy said...

Murph don't lie. The letter was sent exactly as it appears. This is serious business.

Big Plain V said...

Compelling! Moving! Sensational! A bold move Mr. Murphy.

If he does show, I've got lots of questions he could answer. For example: should I wear my hair 'thisaway'? Or 'thataway'? Who do you like better, Van Halen or Van Hagar? Does this bologna smell funny to you?

Kelly said...

I hope Biden isn't lactose intolerant!

Monica said...

I hope that your VP understands the seriousness of your request. Not just for your peace of mind, but i figure, because I've voted, and therefore have a stake in this, it's become an international issue.

Anita said...

I've been sick in bed for three days now and one of the last things I want is a glass of chocolate milk...HOWEVER, if I were going to have one, and it couldn't be made with Ovaltine (also great over Rice Krispies, BTW), I'd have store-bought chocolate milk (and then I'd get on the treadmill for an hour of sweating and I still wouldn't have burned off all the calories from the milk or cared what Biden had to say about it...THOUGH, honestly, I probably would be jealous PMM got to ask him a question and not me).

Paul Michael Murphy said...

Anita--I'm sorry you've been sick. Probably all that Ovaltine. And I also must comment you on your fine uses of parentheses. Well done.

Anita said...

I'm thinking about putting together a gross blog post about my illness (there's a story in it I think is funny, in hindsight) and leaving it up for a limited time. If I sleep on it and still feel compelled to write about the story, look for it tomorrow.

chris said...

Noodles!

The Wife said...

*rolls eyes*

Weston Elliott said...

Has the thought occured to anyone to research how the stores make their chocolate milk? You'll all feel a little silly if they make it with Hershey's syrup before they put it in the gallon jugs!

Paul Michael Murphy said...

Weston, how dare you speak such blasphemy! Taste alone confirms the absence of syrup. And, as previously stated, chocolate milk comes from one of two places: very special cows or the liquid byproducts of God's joy.

Monica said...

brown milk comes from brown cows..sheesh.



lol..the word verification is hersi....