Sunday, August 16, 2009

If I Tweeted

You may have heard of this thing they have on the Internet called "Twitter." It's where people slaughter the English language in an attempt to briefly inform the world of their mundane existences. Or so I hear. I've never actually been on Twitter. As someone who laments the average attention span of the average American, to partake in any way strikes me as grossly hypocritical. So I abstain.

I've heard about it, though. Kinda hard not to. CNN loves Twitter. In fact, they love it so much they let Twitter cover the Iran election story instead of covering it themselves. What they did cover was how awesome Twitter was at covering the Iran election story. Ashton Kutcher likes him some Twitter too, and people are generally more interested in his vacations than they are in Middle Eastern politics. See how wonderful Twitter is?

You can't be an aspiring writer without reading how you should definitely be on Twitter. Agents and other writers love to talk about the importance of "building a platform" and "networking" and "getting your name out there." So of course, like every other writer, I've considered it. Then I stopped considering it because my life is really boring. Not like Ashton Kutcher's at all. Even more boring than protesting Iranians. To prove how boring it is, I recorded things I might have "tweeted" about today.

8:30 just woke up. Have 2 pee. TMI? LOL.
8:32 pee too yellow. Drinking H20
8:56 checking cell phone. Got in pool w/ it yesterday. Oops.
10:20 driving home. semi in way.
10:24 semi out of way.
11:00 speeding. hope no cops. LOL.
1:00 eating at los tres amigos. food is muy bueno, but is making me mas fatto.
2:00 home now. watching golf.
4:00 watching golf.
6:00 watching golf.
7:30 just bought groceries. was out of choc milk.
8:20 was going to text Brad, forgot phone is FUBAR.
9:00 checking fb
9:30 reading blogs
10:00 blogging about tweeting.

Yeah, I can see how that could lead to increased book sales. ROFLMAO.


Anita said...

Here's the key to getting published: write a freaking good book.

Lily Cate said...

There once was a day when I thought texting was bad enough. When I spent a whole lunch with someone who basically ignored me to punch tiny keys on her phone, chatting with people who were NOT sitting right next to her at the table.
Now I think, at least that person was texting to someone in particular that was more interesting than me.
With twitter, now everyone in the entire world is more interesting than, you know, the people you are actually in the room with.

How old do I sound now???
Plus, I have a kid and pets. My tweets would all involved puke and poop.

Myra said...

I tweet. Yes, I do.

Your fake tweets are more interesting than my real ones.

Monica said...

ok. hang on. what pool did you drop your phone in??

Paul Michael Murphy said...

We vacationed at the Treetops Resort in Gaylord, Michigan. I put the phone in my pocket, forgot it was there, and hopped in the pool with my daughter. Five minutes later, I realized what I'd done.

MG Higgins said...

LOLWTFBBQ. I need to remember to not drink liquids when I'm reading your blog. I spew too much laugh spittle on my keyboard.

Paul Michael Murphy said...

I wish I could take credit for it, MG.

Monica said...

ok.. for a second there i thought maybe the 'pool filling in' was an elaborate hoax, to stop freeloaders from coming to swim in your pool and using all your good towels.

My hubby , LJM, once ruined a phone by dumping a bucket of ice water on it. (the bucket was in the back of a station wagon holding beer at a drinking tournament) We said that it just stopped working.

My daughter once lost her phone in a snowbank, for like, a month, and it still worked.

anyway. My life is boring in twitters too. I do tweet, occasionally, but i just kind of hang around to see what neil gaiman has to say. or jann arden. or tracey edward wymer.

Monica said...

oh, and anita, i've read some freaking awful awful awful books. So, writing a freaking good book is not the only criteria to getting published.

see Corey Redekop's blog, his review of Chuck Norris' book is awesome.

scroll down a bit, to the august 9th entry.

Amy Allgeyer Cook said...

I twitter. Mostly I just follow other twitter-ers, primarily agents and editors. You'll be happy to know their tweets are boring too.
'280 emails in in-box'
'lunch at Sherpa. somebody should send me Scotch.'

Kelly said...

I don't tweet. I'm afraid it will be a timesuck like FB.
Please drink more H2O.

Tracy Edward Wymer said...

I just tweeted all over myself.

Myra said...

Tweeting is a bigger timesuck that FB. Because something is ALWAYS happening. And if you're ADD - don't go there. Ever.