Halloween "Treats"

The following is a rerun, taken from my old blog and presented here to you, my loyal readers. Because sometimes, I just don't have the energy for new material.

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With my least favorite holiday right around the corner, I thought it was high time to roll out a top ten list. This one has everything to do with the reason for the season–candy, or as you will soon see, sometimes things that are not candy.

Please avoid doling out the following terrible “treats” to the innocent youngsters that show up at your door. Most of them have done nothing to you.

TOP TEN WORST HALLOWEEN TREATS

HONORABLE MENTION:

DUM DUMS–These suckers truly suck. You know it’s a terrible candy when you can buy them in bags of approximately 2,000 and EVERY SINGLE STORE that sells candy stocks them. They are like that song “What if God was One of Us?” from the 1990s–terrible, yet impossible to avoid.

TOOTSIE ROLLS–They look like mini-turds, taste about the same, and might just yank out any recent fillings in your teeth.

10. HOME-BAKED COOKIES–Dear Grandma, just because your chocolate chip cookies are adored by your grandkids does not mean you should mass produce them and drop them into trick-or-treat bags. Why? Because no child is going to eat them. First, they crumble to pieces at the bottom of the bag. Second, you scorched the bottoms of a few of them, and third, you just might have mixed in some rat poison. Right to the trashcan with these.

9. BIT-O-HONEY–If you’re lucky enough to remove the wrapping from this crapola candy, you are then treated to a jaw workout, all while enjoying the flavor of–what, exactly? You would think honey, but I like honey and I do not like this. Most of this candy ends up cemented to your molars and you spend the next five minutes digging it off with the nail of your index finger.

8. NECCO WAFERS–In the mood for a candy that tastes exactly like chalk? Enjoy.

7. ANY BAGGED FOOD–These come from the real cheapskates who buy a huge bag of M&Ms and then parcel them out into Ziploc baggies. Your hand touched it; I ain’t eatin’ it. And may God forgive you if you put your homemade chocolate chip cookies in baggies.

6. CANDY CORN–Doesn’t taste like candy. Doesn’t taste like corn (which might actually be an improvement). There’s a reason why you only see candy corn around Halloween: It’s manufactured by the Devil himself.

5. THOSE PEANUT BUTTER GLOBS IN BLACK AND ORANGE WAX PAPER–This treat is so bad, no one bothered to name it. I always wonder what the candy factory that makes these does the rest of the year.

4. RAISINS–See here.

3. APPLES–Straight to the dumpster. Look, I get that you think candy is bad for kids, but giving them an apple is not going to make them pause and say, “Gee, if I eat this candy I might get sick, or I could get cavities, or I could start a downward spiral that leads to obesity and diabetes. I’ll eat the apple instead.” No, what they’re going to say, right after they toss it into the kitchen trashcan (if it even makes it that far–apples make for excellent target practice) is “Pssh, some loser gave me an apple! Gross!” Halloween is not the day for you to sneakily criticize the dietary habits of America's youth.

2. PENNIES–Do you know that it costs the U.S. mint more to make a penny than that penny is worth? So, not only are you giving children something that is almost literally worthless, you’re actually costing the rest of us money. Look, any kid can find a penny under his mother’s couch cushion. Know why? Cause mom just left the damn thing there, which is exactly what you should do too.

1. POPCORN BALLS–Has anyone ever finished one of these things? Is there a prize in the middle? Cause if not, I see no reason to eat one. If you’re lucky enough to dislodge a chunk of popcorn from the ball, you’ll be treated to a flavor most resembling paper. Butterless, saltless, paper. Who thought this would be a good idea? I mean, where did these things start? Did some old lady raid her cupboards looking for a treat and, finding only popcorn kernels, decide “What the heck, kids love popcorn!” And then, after the corn was popped, did this same old lady suddenly realize she had no effective way of delivering the snack. “Oh, I know. I’ll just add some glue, or chewing gum, or rubber cement, or whatever the hell is used to bind everything together into a spherical, tasteless mass. "They’ll like that, surely they will,” the old lady says to herself. Why would an old lady (because it’s ALWAYS an old lady) do that to innocent children? Who in their right mind would think that a child, presented with a truckful of candy, would take the time to gnaw at a popcorn ball? Surely, not someone who liked children, which is why I believe this snack was contrived by witches. That’s right. Witches. What else could explain it? In fact, it makes perfect sense. If not witchcraft, how do they get that popcorn to stick together with such perfect symmetry?