Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Halloween "Treats"

The following is a rerun, taken from my old blog and presented here to you, my loyal readers. Because sometimes, I just don't have the energy for new material.

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With my least favorite holiday right around the corner, I thought it was high time to roll out a top ten list. This one has everything to do with the reason for the season–candy, or as you will soon see, sometimes things that are not candy.

Please avoid doling out the following terrible “treats” to the innocent youngsters that show up at your door. Most of them have done nothing to you.

TOP TEN WORST HALLOWEEN TREATS

HONORABLE MENTION:

DUM DUMS–These suckers truly suck. You know it’s a terrible candy when you can buy them in bags of approximately 2,000 and EVERY SINGLE STORE that sells candy stocks them. They are like that song “What if God was One of Us?” from the 1990s–terrible, yet impossible to avoid.

TOOTSIE ROLLS–They look like mini-turds, taste about the same, and might just yank out any recent fillings in your teeth.

10. HOME-BAKED COOKIES–Dear Grandma, just because your chocolate chip cookies are adored by your grandkids does not mean you should mass produce them and drop them into trick-or-treat bags. Why? Because no child is going to eat them. First, they crumble to pieces at the bottom of the bag. Second, you scorched the bottoms of a few of them, and third, you just might have mixed in some rat poison. Right to the trashcan with these.

9. BIT-O-HONEY–If you’re lucky enough to remove the wrapping from this crapola candy, you are then treated to a jaw workout, all while enjoying the flavor of–what, exactly? You would think honey, but I like honey and I do not like this. Most of this candy ends up cemented to your molars and you spend the next five minutes digging it off with the nail of your index finger.

8. NECCO WAFERS–In the mood for a candy that tastes exactly like chalk? Enjoy.

7. ANY BAGGED FOOD–These come from the real cheapskates who buy a huge bag of M&Ms and then parcel them out into Ziploc baggies. Your hand touched it; I ain’t eatin’ it. And may God forgive you if you put your homemade chocolate chip cookies in baggies.

6. CANDY CORN–Doesn’t taste like candy. Doesn’t taste like corn (which might actually be an improvement). There’s a reason why you only see candy corn around Halloween: It’s manufactured by the Devil himself.

5. THOSE PEANUT BUTTER GLOBS IN BLACK AND ORANGE WAX PAPER–This treat is so bad, no one bothered to name it. I always wonder what the candy factory that makes these does the rest of the year.

4. RAISINS–See here.

3. APPLES–Straight to the dumpster. Look, I get that you think candy is bad for kids, but giving them an apple is not going to make them pause and say, “Gee, if I eat this candy I might get sick, or I could get cavities, or I could start a downward spiral that leads to obesity and diabetes. I’ll eat the apple instead.” No, what they’re going to say, right after they toss it into the kitchen trashcan (if it even makes it that far–apples make for excellent target practice) is “Pssh, some loser gave me an apple! Gross!” Halloween is not the day for you to sneakily criticize the dietary habits of America's youth.

2. PENNIES–Do you know that it costs the U.S. mint more to make a penny than that penny is worth? So, not only are you giving children something that is almost literally worthless, you’re actually costing the rest of us money. Look, any kid can find a penny under his mother’s couch cushion. Know why? Cause mom just left the damn thing there, which is exactly what you should do too.

1. POPCORN BALLS–Has anyone ever finished one of these things? Is there a prize in the middle? Cause if not, I see no reason to eat one. If you’re lucky enough to dislodge a chunk of popcorn from the ball, you’ll be treated to a flavor most resembling paper. Butterless, saltless, paper. Who thought this would be a good idea? I mean, where did these things start? Did some old lady raid her cupboards looking for a treat and, finding only popcorn kernels, decide “What the heck, kids love popcorn!” And then, after the corn was popped, did this same old lady suddenly realize she had no effective way of delivering the snack. “Oh, I know. I’ll just add some glue, or chewing gum, or rubber cement, or whatever the hell is used to bind everything together into a spherical, tasteless mass. "They’ll like that, surely they will,” the old lady says to herself. Why would an old lady (because it’s ALWAYS an old lady) do that to innocent children? Who in their right mind would think that a child, presented with a truckful of candy, would take the time to gnaw at a popcorn ball? Surely, not someone who liked children, which is why I believe this snack was contrived by witches. That’s right. Witches. What else could explain it? In fact, it makes perfect sense. If not witchcraft, how do they get that popcorn to stick together with such perfect symmetry?

18 comments:

Jacqui said...

Pretzels. Love 'em, but they are not a treat.

Almond Joy. Because why, when there are Snickers in the world?

Big Plain V said...

Your list rules, Murph, except for the candy corn part. Because really, despite its name, it's simply a waxy vehicle for sugar. No harm in that, right? Sugar sometimes needs a vehicle, right?

Thus -- candy corn.

Tracy Edward Wymer said...

I give out Halloween pencils. I'm a big Tootsie turd.

Betty said...

The other day at the Farmer's Market, I saw popcorn balls and was reminded of fond childhood memories with my Grandma. I bought one and as soon as I took a bite, I was also reminded that these things completely suck. There went my 50 cents, straight into the trashcan.

Also, Big Plain V, in college my method for pulling all nighters was to drink Coca Cola and eat a ton of Candy Corn. The pure sugar coursing through my veins had to be better than any drug on the market, I'm sure.

The Wife said...

I hate Mike and Ikes. Yuck. I think it has something to do with the shape and texture. *shudder* And urbandictionary.com has an interesting take on the name...

Speaking of tube-shaped sugar, let’s talk about Good & Plenty. They look like little Pepto-Bismol tablets. Straight to the trash can. Wikipedia can tell you what gives them that nasty color, and then you might not want to eat them either.

Jacqui - I'll take your Almond Joy. :) (And your Snickers, too.)

chris said...

Did you know that the Japanese word for cat is pronounced necco? Yeah, so think long and hard next time before you hold out that roll of necco wafers to your Japanese friend and say, "necco?".

Monica said...

I have to say cans of pop (or soda, depending on which region you live in). Not that a nice can of pop isn't great to have, but they weigh down your bag excessively, and, frankly, people don't usually spend the extra bucks to get a brand name, and in this case (as cheap as i am), you have to get a brand name to get any kind of quality at all.


(TEW, my SIL always gave out pencils, too. I like them, personally, and so did my kids)

(and BPV, i love candy corn. or those little pumpkins, made out of the same stuff. They're delish.)


My absolute fave is rockets (i think you guys south of the border call them smarties)

Lily Cate said...

They make chocolate candy corn now, so that one might fly in under a technicality.

But what about your fav Halloween candy? I'd go for Bottle Caps. They have to be around the rest of the year, but I don't know where you find them.

Paul Michael Murphy said...

Mmm, bottle caps are good.

MG Higgins said...

Great list except for the candy corn. I bite them apart in teeny pieces because I'm convinced the white, yellow and orange portions have their own flavors. Takes me forever to get through a handful.

When I was a kid we threw apples away because of the fear of razor blades buried in them. Still makes me shudder.

Sophia said...

I stumbled across your blog via another blogger friend....love this post. Looking forward to reading more of your blog...

:)

Anita said...

At our house, we love the peanut butter globs, candy corn and Necco. BUT, I understand your issues with them. What I don't understand is JACQUI'S issue with Almond Joys. How can she not like them? They are the perfect candy. I'm making time tonight to go to her blog and let her know a thing or two.

Paul Michael Murphy said...

Because Almond Joys have coconut and you either love coconut or despise it.

I happen to despise it.

Jacqui said...

Look here people. I didn't say "Oh, Almond Joys are disgusting" or "Ew! Who could eat an Almond Joy!" In a pinch, if an Almond Joy was the only sugar in the house, Lord knows I'd snarf it as fast as the next guy.

BUT, when the world is full of things like Snickers and doughnuts, who's wasting time and jaw energy on Almond Joy? Crazy people and coconut industry flunkies.

And never, in the history of Halloween, has a kid looked into his treat bag and said, "YES! ALMOND JOYS! You rock, Mrs. McGillicuddy!"

Paul Michael Murphy said...

Laughing at YES, ALMOND JOYS!

Anita said...

Hmmm...I guess I am the mother who packs her kids' lunches with carrot and celery sticks and whole wheat sandwich bread. So perhaps my thinking is a little out of tune with that of trick-or-treaters. Hmmm...No. No. I change my mind again. ALMOND JOY RULES FOREVER!

The Wife said...

I heart Almond Joy too! And I heart Jacqui, even if she does think I am a crazy person or a coconut industry flunkie. Because hey - crazy people deserve Halloween treats, too. :)

Jacqui said...

The Wife, I heart you too. But if you take my Snickers, we shall come to fisticuffs. :)