Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I Am Home Sick Today

But that will not stop me from entertaining you.

I really don't feel all that bad, but I've got no voice. And you need a voice to teach third grade. How else would I shout things like

"Pay attention! You must learn how to write the cursive S! Cursive writing is the future! Why do you think I spend valuable class time teaching it!"

or "Don't forget to take home your spelling words to study so you can ace Friday's test and then immediately forget those words and subsequently misspell them every single time in your writing!" (Cause I use words like 'subsequently' with my third graders. Their confused looks make me feel superior.)

or "Computers?! We're not wasting our time with those things! I'm trying to prepare you for the future here!"

So I stayed home because teaching's no fun unless you can raise your voice.

I actually have some voice. I can talk real deep, like Vin Diesel, but it comes off as me trying to sound tough and that just doesn't fly.

I ain't tough.

Plus, it would be weird to say stuff like, "Destiny, remember to use I-messages. Instead of yelling at Fred, say 'Fred, I feel sad when you call me names like turd fungus'" in a Vin-Diesel voice.

My normal voice is kaput. I've got a thin lining of mucus coating my throat that I spend all day horking up but it just keeps regenerating like the tentacles of a green hydra in the dark. It's gotten a little thicker today which makes it easier to hork, but then I get that disgusting boogery taste in my mouth for the few seconds before I spit it in the sink and rinse it down because The Wife is not happy when she sees horked up booger spit in her sink.

The good news is I slept a lot better last night than the night before when I literally go no sleep. I hadn't done that since college and back then it was intentional. You ever go through a day on zero sleep? It sucks. So I'd like to thank NyQuil for assisting last night.

8 comments:

Tracy Edward Wymer said...

Nyquil is the bomb. I'm currently watching my students fill in bubbles. I think someone's eyeball just fell out.

Tina Lee said...

Hey, my throat is just like that today too! All though my voice is a lot less like Vin Diesels. If I were gonna say who it is like though, my first thought is Olive Oil. My daughter asked me to stop reading to her last night, "I don't like your voice." And it does my heart proud when teachers speak disparagingly of spelling tests and cursive. As mother to a 5th grader, those are the bane of my existence. That and the onset of puberty.
Do you want something to read? I'm just getting that ready over here.

Wendy Sparrow said...

Okay, I've started my own point system. You get four points for using the verb "hork" and the visual imagery of the "tentacles of a green hydra" which was inspired. I'm giving you four points for the laugh I got at a Vin Diesel voice of the word "turd fungus." However, I've got a cough and a funky voice too--so you lost a point because I went into a coughing fit. Referring to cursive as "the future" well that gets you a point for sure. All in all, this was a very high-scoring post. Good job, Paul.

Oh... and I had the nasty throat thing for a week before I went in and got antibiotics. Antibiotics are the bomb.

Paul said...

I remember trying to teach w/out a voice, lol, torture, like a hyperactive dog on a short leash, no matter what you do you never get what you want. Not sure if that makes sense but that's how I felt when I tried teaching w/o a voice. Strain, strain, strain with no satisfaction. I hope you are well soon.

Paul Michael Murphy said...

I'm Nyquilling again tonight, but I won't make it a habit. Pinky swear.

Tina, I am indeed ready for something to read. Just finished THE CURIOUS INCIDENT (loved it, btw) and have nothing in the pile. So send it quick before I make a run to B&N or the library.

Wendy, thanks for the points. "Hork" is my new favorite word. I've been saying it for a week. The Wife doesn't care for it.

And Paul, your metaphor was apt and well understood.

Betty said...

Hee Hee. The last time I wrote in cursive, I'm pretty sure I was in 3rd grade. ;-)

Hope your voice returns soon. "The crud" pretty much sucks. I'll keep my fingers crossed that tomorrow morning you'll be magically healed!

Anita said...

I was speaking to a third grade class the other day, and I said something was "not obligatory." The teacher gave me a look and then defined obligatory.

I heart Nyquil. I've taken it up to four nights in a row and am still very much alive. Side note: Sue Grafton's main character Kinsey Millhone is also a Nyqil fan.

Amy Allgeyer Cook said...

I used to love Nyquil, until I accidentally doubled my dose and spent the night vibrating with energy...not a good sleep experience.
Hope you feel better soon.