But that will not stop me from entertaining you.
I really don't feel all that bad, but I've got no voice. And you need a voice to teach third grade. How else would I shout things like
"Pay attention! You must learn how to write the cursive S! Cursive writing is the future! Why do you think I spend valuable class time teaching it!"
or "Don't forget to take home your spelling words to study so you can ace Friday's test and then immediately forget those words and subsequently misspell them every single time in your writing!" (Cause I use words like 'subsequently' with my third graders. Their confused looks make me feel superior.)
or "Computers?! We're not wasting our time with those things! I'm trying to prepare you for the future here!"
So I stayed home because teaching's no fun unless you can raise your voice.
I actually have some voice. I can talk real deep, like Vin Diesel, but it comes off as me trying to sound tough and that just doesn't fly.
I ain't tough.
Plus, it would be weird to say stuff like, "Destiny, remember to use I-messages. Instead of yelling at Fred, say 'Fred, I feel sad when you call me names like turd fungus'" in a Vin-Diesel voice.
My normal voice is kaput. I've got a thin lining of mucus coating my throat that I spend all day horking up but it just keeps regenerating like the tentacles of a green hydra in the dark. It's gotten a little thicker today which makes it easier to hork, but then I get that disgusting boogery taste in my mouth for the few seconds before I spit it in the sink and rinse it down because The Wife is not happy when she sees horked up booger spit in her sink.
The good news is I slept a lot better last night than the night before when I literally go no sleep. I hadn't done that since college and back then it was intentional. You ever go through a day on zero sleep? It sucks. So I'd like to thank NyQuil for assisting last night.