Quickies

I can't decide between two works-in-progress, so consequently, I've been working on both and finding that unsatisfactory.

I give Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist a six on the 1-10 scale. Too much stuff going on inside the characters' heads and not enough actually happening for my taste. Also, Nick and Norah's voices were clever, but maybe just a little too clever. I believe "cloying" is the word I want.

I loved Under the Dome.

I'm taking the Colts.

Anita let me look at her baby. I enjoyed it.

Know what's good? Cheese and meat mixed together.

I agree with this. You should too.

Speaking of the works-in-progress, anyone want to read twenty or thirty pages and tell me which one you like better? Instead of making a decision myself, I'll let you all make it for me.

Rejected Blog Idea

The other day I had what I was pretty sure was the best idea since Harry Burnett Reese figured out how to combine peanut butter and chocolate in the shape of a shallow cup. But I waited, because like many great ideas, this one scared me a little.

After a couple of days I rejected the idea because it was sure to cause controversy and might make some of my loyal readers angry and could even get back to some powerful people who could break me.

However, because I am nothing if not giving, I am offering this idea to anyone who wants it. Here it is:

I was going to call it the HOTTEST WOMEN OF YA and it would have been pretty much exactly what you think. After hours of exhaustive research (Google images), I was going to post pictures and perhaps some commentary about the lovely ladies who pen potential Printz prizewinners. I would of course encourage recommendations for other ladies in the comments. Then I thought there would be a battle between the HOTTEST WOMEN OF YA to determine the HOTTEST WOMAN OF YA, complete with voting and impassioned arguments and maybe even payola. At the end, a winner would be named. Maybe I'd have even created a fancy award for the HOTTEST WOMAN OF YA to post on her blog.

But like I said, I'm not going to do it. Someone would take it the wrong way. Someone always does. They'd call me sexist and say I was "objectifying women" and all that. I imagine their leader as Ursula K. Le Guin, but I wouldn't put it past Laurie Halse Anderson (who would have probably been a contender, incidentally. Just sayin'). Or maybe Philip Reeve. Those Brits are sensitive gents.
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The photo above is of Ann Brashares. Its appearance in this post is purely coincidental. I swear.

A Couple of Opinions With Which You Should Agree

Those Newbery Award stickers should have the year on them.
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Also, I'd like to suggest a form of censorship. Dear school librarians, do not order any more I Spy books. Because you know who checks out I Spy books? Kids who can't read. And guess what? I Spy books aren't going to help them get better at reading. They're going to help them get better at finding hidden objects in ridiculous pictures. And while I'm sure that's a valuable skill for a future...um...something, I would rather they practice that at home.*
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Thanks for the books, Myra.
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*Not really. I'd rather they read books with more than thirty words in them at home, but I'm trying to appear reasonable here.

The One Word Response Award

Thanks to Larissa for presenting me with the prestigious Over the Top Award for Blogging Excellence (I added that last bit). Unlike Tracy, I accept and am grateful for all awards, even if they have been passed around more often than that one girl in high school who the girls all despised because a. she was disgusting and b. although you didn't want to admit it, your boyfriend probably would take a shot if he thought he could get away with it and c. you secretly wondered what it would be like to be that girl and although you never would, it was kind of fun to pretend and the fact that you never would made you hate her even more. Damn her.

And if you're a guy then I'm talking about that girl who, in response to a snide remark from your girlfriend, said, "She is gross. I don't understand what guys see in her," but you actually thought, "Well, I mean, if she wanted to and, you know, if I didn't have a girlfriend, and, I guess if nobody found out, then..."

That award.

Here it is:

See those lips?

I have to answer the following questions using only one word, a feat which I am sure will prove extremely difficult for me (I like words. Too much. Like right now, for example.). Then I have to tag five people, and because he only accepts awards from me, I will be tagging Tracy Edward Wymer.

Your cell phone: Ignored
Your hair: Cowlicky
Your mother: Brave
Your father: Supportive
Favorite Food: This (See what I did there?)
Your Dream Last Night: Forgotten
Your Favorite Drink: Duh
Your Dream/Goal: Publication
What Room You Are In: Mine
Your Hobby: This
Your Fear: Midgets
Where Do You See Yourself in Six Years: Mirror
Where Were You Last Night: Alibi
Something That You Aren't: Pyromaniacal
Muffins? Sure
Wish List Item: Invisibility
Where Did You Grow Up: Who says I did?
Last Thing You Did: Write
What Are You Wearing? Glasses
Your TV: Off
Your Pet(s): Incarcerated
Friends: Few
Your Life: Enjoyable
Your Mood: Aloof
Missing Someone: Reagan (Hell, I'll take Clinton again.)
Vehicle: Impala
Something You Aren't Wearing: Beret
Your Favorite Store: Schuler Books and Music
Your Favorite Color: Blue
When Was the Last Time You Laughed: Tonight
Last Time You Cried: 2007
Your Best Friend: Wife
One Place You Go Over and Over Again: Bathroom
Facebook? Rarely
Favorite Place to Eat: Here

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I award: TEW, Anita, Chris (because he needs to blog something), Ben Esch (even though he won't), and Laura Pauling (need a link)

My "Office"

This is where I write. It's a couch. That's the kitchen behind me. You might notice the yellow rubber gloves. The Wife uses those for washing dishes because she doesn't like wrinkly fingers. She gets angry at me when I knock the gloves into the sink because then they get wet and I guess that sort of defeats the purpose.

Other things of note:

The pink tray on the left side of the picture is Little One's "princess" tray.

That's a dictionary on the whatever-you-call-that-kind-of-table. I'm old skool that way.

The dangling cord is from a string of Christmas lights. Probably should take those down some day.

The Top 100 Chapter Books of All Time

Thanks to Jacqui for the heads up. Go here. Read about it. Then submit your selections to Fusenumber8@gmail.com. Put them in order, best to tenth best.

Mine:

1. Potter--I picked the first one for the sake of simplicity, but really, any of them would do. Why it's number one: I used the stranded on a deserted island test. If I were in such a place, I would read and reread and reread any of the Harry Potter books above the others on the list.

2. Maniac Magee--First, it's awesome. Second, it's totally boy. Third, Spinelli deserves to be on the list and Maniac is his best work. There are other reasons.

3. Holes--Pure story. Awesome plotting. And another one for the boys.

4. Charlotte's Web--Is there a better story of friendship?

5. The Tale of Despereaux--I love Kate DiCamillo's writing, and for my money, Despereaux is her best story.

6. James and the Giant Peach--Because you must include Dahl.

7. Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing--More a series of vignettes than a "story," but I read it to my third graders every year and they love it. After all these years, it's still funny.

8. The Watsons Go to Birmingham-1963--I like unconventional. A lot. Which is partly why Maniac Magee (a serious story about race that's told as a tall tale), Despereaux (the dicking around of the timeline is fun), Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing (see above), and Watsons make the list. Christopher Paul Curtis spends a good three-quarters of the book making you laugh your ass off and then--WHAM!--church bombing! I admire his guts (or ignorance--He's admitted as much in interviews), but I admire his publisher's guts even more.

9. The Westing Game--Because mysteries are fun and this is the best middle grade one I've read. We need more good mysteries. Anyone willing to write one?

10. Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH--Like James and the Giant Peach, this one makes the list because I loved it as a kid. I like it somewhat less now, but you can't argue with nostalgia. I still refuse to admit Knight Rider sucked.


Now show me yours. But do it on your own blog, please.

From the Junk Drawer

Since I have nothing to say, I thought I'd scour the flash drive for stuff I've abandoned and share it with you. That's right, I think so highly of my followers that I subject them to my trash.



Our principle is a great big fat lady who wears baggy colorful dresses. If she could hula-hoop she’d probably look a lot like Saturn. But since she’s so big and also so old, I doubt she hula-hoops. Be pretty funny if she did, though.

You don’t want an old principal. They’re like old teachers, but worse. Old teachers, like my last year’s teacher, Mrs. Baker, think can do whatever they want. Last year, Brandon Cleland got caught chewing gum in Mrs. Baker’s class and Mrs. Baker made him stick the gum on an index card. Then she pinned the index card to his t-shirt and he had to walk around with it all day. At night, he had to have his mom sign the index card and he had to bring the card back the next day with the gum still on it. Old teachers can get away with stuff like that. When I told my parents about it they acted like it was no big deal. Dad chuckled. “Still up to her old tricks, huh?” he’d said. Then he went on to tell me how easy kids had it nowadays and how when he went to school the principal had a paddle hanging right on the wall. It even had holes in it to cut down on air resistance. “She still have that old paddle?” he had asked.

Turns out she did still have the paddle. I saw it when she called me into her office. It was hanging right there on the cinder block wall next to her diploma.

“Have a seat,” Mrs. Winterbottom said. She sat behind her huge desk looking a lot like Jabba the Hutt in a dress, but Jabba wasn’t the only bad guy from Star Wars she reminded me of because for some reason Mrs. Winterbottom didn’t use her nose to breath. She breathed through her mouth and it made her sound like Darth Vader. I’d never seen anybody make breathing seem so difficult.

I sat down in a plastic chair. She had one of those gigantic cups you get at 7-11 in front of her, the kind that holds about six gallons of soda. She grabbed the cup with a meaty hand, lifted it to her mouth and sucked on the straw. When she was done she was breathing harder than before.

“Laughing in class,” Mrs. Winterbottom said, peering out over the top of her thick eyeglasses at me. “Why?”

Well I wasn’t about to tell her about what Titus said for two reasons. First, you don’t repeat Uranus jokes to the principal and second, I didn’t want to get Titus in trouble. So I just said, “Something funny happened and I couldn’t get it out of my head. Does that ever happen to you?” I asked her that because with mom and dad it helps to remind them that in many ways they’re not that different from me. Sometimes it makes them think twice about being so angry.

But it didn’t work with Mrs. Winterbottom. “No,” she said. “I never laugh.”

“But you used to, right?”

“No," she said. "Principals do not laugh.” She said it like she'd been principal her entire life, and for all I knew, she might have been.

I'm Positive, and I Have an Award to Prove It

Boy howdy! The Literary Ramblin' Woman herself, Casey McCormick, just awarded me a rootin' tootin', hootin,' hollerin', positively boot scootin' award. Much obliged, cowgirl.

Enough of that. I'm plum out of cowboy slang. The award is for projecting a positive outlook on my blog. You know, being my regular optimistic self. I'm now supposed to pass it on to five other uplifting bloggers. But first, I kind of feel like I need to prove I'm deserving.

So here are five positive outlooks on things that aren't, at first blush, very positive.

1. Sure, the economy is bad, but if it wasn't, we wouldn't be able to enjoy jokes like The economy is so bad Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Or any of these either.

2. Yes, the movie Avatar may have killed a Taiwanese man, but it's got really awesome special effects and the story's not half bad.

3. Being fat isn't a very good idea. Getting fat, however, is really fun and easy to do. You just eat delicious foods like pizza and potato skins then sit (or lay) down for the great majority of your day. Piece of cake. Mmm, cake.

4. Brett Favre did not make it back to the Super Bowl, but---oh, wait. That is good news.

5. The earthquake in Haiti was devastating, but because of it, Beyonce got to change the lyrics to her hit song "Halo" to "Haiti We Can See Your Halo," a la Elton John after the Princess Diana thing. And that's always good times.




Yee haw.


My five positive people:

Kelly
Paul
Corey
Debra
TEW

If they don't find their way here in the next couple of days, will someone let them know? Report cards are due this week. I be busy.

She's Gone

My hands are still shaking.

I just clicked the SUBMIT button and sent off the YA. Couldn't they have come up with a better term than SUBMIT? For a writer who just sent his work out into the big scary agenty world, the word takes on a meaning that I'm sure the gmail programmers did not intend. Because just before I clicked the button, I had the feeling that I was bent over, grabbing my ankles, and waiting for something prodding to make an unwanted appearance. SUBMIT, indeed.

Right. So I sent the YA and now comes the waiting. This is where I'm supposed to bemoan the sluggish pace at which things occur in the publishing industry. I'm not gonna do it, though. The SUBMIT button was depressing enough, so how about something positive? Here's how I'd like things to go next:

1. On Monday, the person to whom I sent it calls (because I might not get to my email right away) and says, "I've read the first ten pages and I'd like to sign you right now. You didn't send this anywhere else did you?"

2. I sign.

3. "Oh, did I mention that it's perfect as it is? No revisions necessary. Never have I seen such a polished story from an unpublished writer. Actually, now that I think about it, I've never seen such a polished story from any writer. I can see my reflection in this story, and it's actually better looking that the real life me."

4. I act all humble and say something self-deprecating.

5. Agent laughs. Uproariously.

6. Book is sold by Friday.

7. Book is in stores by March because the publisher is hurting and needs a massive infux of cash ASAP and ever since my halftime appearance at the Super Bowl people have been threatening to destroy New York if the publisher doesn't get moving.

8. Book flies off the shelves faster than John Edwards can say "Oops."

9. Oprah calls. She wants me on her last show. I decline.

10. With all of my money and power I decide to purchase New York. I rename it New Murph. I refuse to live there, however, until Times Square is turned into a huge outdoor library stocked with books whose pages have all been laminated, at least until I find a way to control the weather.

And in honor of the title, here's this:

Bad Day

If you think you had a bad day, watch this and think again.






By the way, my blogging absence is actually due to my writing instead of the usual lack of inspiration. I'm preparing the YA for submission next week.

Prediction Time!

ALA awards tomorrow. You can watch them here or follow them on Twitter. I will be doing neither since, like every year, I have to work on MLK Day. However, that will not stop me from embarrassing myself and once again incorrectly predicting some of the winners.

I don't read enough new picture books to even bother pretending I know what I'm talking about, so if you want opinions on the Caldecott, I'd recommend getting in touch with Jacqui. She writes the things and reads lots of 'em.

Newbery Award

Tricky year for the judges. First, quite a few past winners (and I'm including honor books in that term) published books in 2009. There was Scat by Carl Hiaasen, A Season of Gifts by Richard Peck, The Magician's Elephant by Kate DiCamillo, Al Capone Shines My Shoes by Gennifer Choldenko, and Peace, Locomotion by Jacqueline Woodson. I don't think any of these books has the goods their Newbery books did, but that won't stop the Newbery Committee from awarding one of them.

The Favorites:

When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead is on everyone's list and for good reason.

The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate is the kind of book librarians love. It's historical fiction, has a girl MC who's into a stereotypically boy thing, science, there's some good stuff about Charles Darwin, so kids might actually learn a few things, and the language is lush.

Peace, Locomotion by Jacqueline Woodson makes the list because it seems as though every time she writes a book the Newbery folks give her an award. I don't think it's deserving, but I'm not voting.

Dark Horses:

When the Whistle Blows by Fran Slayton is a book I read and I liked it fine, but never once did I think it was an award winner.

A Season of Gifts, which I have not read, but it's Peck, so it has to be good.

Claudette Colvin: Twice Told Justice could be the Good Masters, Sweet Ladies book of 2010. I haven't read it, so I don't know how good it is, but you can't ignore the recent trend of Newbery judges recognizing works written primarily for an African-American audience. Woodson has been the primary beneficiary, but Claudette gives judges a reason to go without someone else.

Who I Want to Win:

Rebecca Stead for When You Reach Me, although I did not love the book as much as others, I still think it's the most enjoyable of the above. And isn't enjoyment why we read?

Who I Think Will Win: Jacqueline Kelly for Calpurnia Tate, because the librarians gave it to The Graveyard Book last year and I think it buys them a year to pick something quieter, slower, deeper, and more literary.


Printz Award

Thanks to a library system that often seems late to the game, I haven't read a ton of the Printz contenders. Here are ones I haven't read, but I have heard buzz about:

If I Stay by Gayle Forman
Charles and Emma: The Darwin's Leap of Faith by Deborah Heiligman
The Devil's Paintbox by Victoria McKernan.
All the Broken Pieces by Ann Burg

The Favorites:

Wintergirls by Laurie Halse Anderson--Honestly, I started this one but couldn't do it. First, the topic was way too serious, as are many of Anderson's books. I read to get away from the real world, not to immerse myself in its small horrors. Also, and I'm prepared to be attacked here, the writing was too good. The writing was so good that I just sat there and marveled at it and instead of wanting to read the story I wanted to study the writing and maybe steal a turn-of-phrase or two. Or fifty.

Marcelo in the Real World by Francisco X. Stork--I read this one and loved it. One of the top three books I read last year. It should win. Period. Plus, the author has an X in his name.

Dark Horses:

Liar by Justine Larbalestier--Haven't read it. Probably won't, but it's generated a ton of Internet buzz and the reviews I've read have been favorable, often highlighting the masterful use of an unreliable narrator.

Going Bovine By Libba Bray--Anyone who's willing to do this deserves consideration.

Who I Want to Win: Stork for Marcelo.

Who Will Win: Stork for Marcelo.

What My Third Graders Want to Read

Buying books to update my classroom collection this week. Here's the list they gave me:

Science books
Hannah Montana
Laura Ingalls Wilder
Dog books
Pokemon books
High School Musical
Animal books
Books about knights
Junie B. Jones
Magic School Bus
Diary of a Wimpy Kid
Dinosaurs
Shivers
Goosebumps
The Bible

UPDATE: I asked my afternoon group to make a list as well.

The Boxcar Children
Captain Underpants
Junie B. Jones
Super Diaper Baby
Science books
Star Wars
Goosebumps
Comics
Diary of a Wimpy Kid
Ivy and Bean
Scooby-Doo books
Books about race cars
Spongebob books

Fewer Queries, Please

It seems everyone is writing or has written a book they hope to publish. I sometimes think there are more aspiring authors than there are serious readers. Most blogging agents will tell you that their query numbers have skyrocketed the last few years and that this is true for their non-blogging colleagues as well. Part of me, the part that teaches kids and likes to read and reveres literature, celebrates this. More writers means more competition, which means only the cream of the cream will get published, which means it'll be easier for me to find great books.

But part of me is just a little peeved, and it's not because I'm all "Oh, you don't know what it takes. You think you can just slop something down and get a book deal blah blah blah." No, it's because I have to compete with these people and I'm realistic enough to know I'm no that guy who wrote The Shack.*

So let me offer a solution that will make almost everybody happy. I feel bad for myself and other unpublished writers. And I feel bad that the agents have to wade through an ever-increasing number of queries. But they can do a lot to lower these numbers.

Literary agents, I'd like you to be meaner. A little more Simon Cowell and a little less Paula Abdul, please. It seems the worst you hear about agents these days is "He never responded to my query!" This is a problem. Agents are just too damned nice. "It wasn't right for me, but keep trying," they say. "I like your writing, but the story is too close to something I just signed," they say. "It's a very subjective business," they say.

All too positive. With encouragement like this, no wonder every George, Dick, and Condi thinks they can publish a book. In their desire to not offend, agents have created a monster. With their timid form letters and their excessive indulgence they have created a system that treats the persistent few no better than the coddled and misty-eyed many. Agents, let's have a little more honesty. If something sucks, tell the writer it sucks. In fact, if you wouldn't mind, tell the writer he sucks.

Unless that writer is me.

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*This is a joke. The Shack sucks. See? Now how hard was that?

About Those 120 Followers...

It probably breaks some kind of record, but I'm already dropping one of my goals for the new year.* I wrote here how one of my goals was to reach 120 followers by year's end. But then I realized I'm still on 60, and I started thinking about what all I'd have to do to get to 120. I'm just not prepared to do those things.

Those Things:

1. Read and comment on more blogs---I like to read blogs, but there's really only so many I can realistically get to in a timely way. And, let's be real, how is anyone's blog going to compare to the ones I already read? I mean, you're not going to get this just anywhere.**

2. Follow more blogs---Here's how it works. To get more followers you generally must do one of four things. If you get published, there's a good chance your follower number will go up because unpublished writers think they might a.)learn something from you or b.)get in good with you in the hopes that you'll help them realize their publishing dreams.

If you don't get published, then you must either a.)be really, really consistently entertaining (rare) or b.)provide useful information (Exhibit).

If you don't do any of the above, you're duking it out in the muck with the rest of us and then it's the old "I'll follow you if you follow me" routine. And since I don't really want to follow any more blogs and I don't want to do the research required to provide helpful information, and I lack the creative genius to be consistently entertaining, I'm pretty much left with getting published, which I kind of want to do anyway.

3. More self-promotion---I suppose I could increase my follower number by collecting more Facebook friends and linking to the blog. And I could join Twitter if I didn't think it the scourge of the universe. Or I could join more message boards and post stuff all the time. But I don't have the time or energy for that stuff. I've got a book to write, and many to read.

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*It actually doesn't even break a personal record. That record was set in 2007 when I pledged to use the treadmill five days a week. I made it two days. Treadmills are boring and they make me sweaty.

**I should also admit to becoming a lazy commenter. I'd apologize, but I don't feel like it.

Spatter

Some quick comments. Feel free to discuss, and, as is customary, take the conversation wherever you want.
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I did not read all of Agent Bransford's contest entries, but I did read all of the finalists, and of those I thought the voters got it right. So congratulations to Jenny. Here's a link to her blog. She only has 15 followers, but that number might blow up, so get in early while the gettin's good.

About that contest, there's no way he read all those things. He'd have to be this guy to do that. My guess is he read them like he does query letters. Too long--out. Boring, cliched, or offensive first line--see ya. Typo--gone.

I'm reading K.L Going's latest and I'm pretty sure it's okay for me to admit I like her work. As of tomorrow, I will have read three of her four books and I've liked all of them. What impresses me the most is that although Going is, as far As I can tell, an actual chick*, she always writes books with male protagonists and she does them well. She must have had brothers growing up.

I'm outlining my latest novel attempt. I don't really like outlining because 1. I worry it'll take some of the fun out of writing, 2. It feels too controlling, and 3. I suck at it. To elaborate on #3: I can't plan that far out. I can get the first couple of scenes down and I know the ending, but what's going to happen in between is really anybody's guess, including mine. I'm not one to believe in characters taking over and all that sort of writerly nonsense meant to portray us as nothing more than conduits whose job is to transcribe the stories our characters demand we tell. That's a bunch of horse honky. But I do know that whenever I think Things will go a certain way they usually don't.

Didja all see Tracy over at Heather's blog?

What was up with the Christmas Day terrorist's underwear? I know people joke that you should wear clean underwear In case you end up in the ER, but if you're planning on dying, shouldn't you go with something a little more manly?

The Wife thinks me something of a book snob ever since I started writing seriously. My snobbery, however, has more to do with the number of books I want to read than my writing. I've always read, but with the Internet and reading blogs and being on message boards, I just have a longer to-read list than I've ever had and I don't want to waste time reading anything that's not holding my interest. And that's why I've recently abandoned The Secret Life of Bees, The Lovely Bones, and Shiver (don't hate me, Myra).

So you tell me, what books that everybody loves have you not had the patience to finish?**

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*See evidence here.
**God, that's an awful sentence. Apologies. It's late.

The Lost Symbol, AKA The Da Vinci Code II (Minus all that Jesus and Mary Magdalene Were a Thing Stuff)

Regular readers of Murphblog know that I don't often review books. The pretend reasons for this are as follows:

1. I consider them beneath me. (Reviews, not books.)
2. I'm a writer, Jim, not a reviewer!
3. I don't have the time.
4. Why should you care what I think about a book anyway?*

The real reason is I'm just not very good at writing them. And with that ringing self-endorsement, I present to you my review of Dan Brown's latest, The Lost Symbol.


Summary:

Robert Langdon is back, although he mostly serves as a doubting Thomas who is constantly being told, "No, really, it's true. I'm telling you, it's totally true. Seriously, man, it is so true. It's like, never been more truer than it is right now." This happens about thirty times.

Why's he back? Because this bad guy needs him to solve a bunch of pretty cool codes and stuff. See, the Freemasons, which is basically a fraternity of old white dudes with lots of secrets, have this thing called the Masonic Pyramid that is thought to hold the Ancient Mysteries, which is basically some secret wisdom from back when people where lots smarter than they are today. And the bad guy wants that wisdom because wisdom is powerful, yo.

Analysis:

If you liked The Da Vinci Code, you'll probably like this. And the reason for that is simple: Brown basically Used the same structure and elements to tell a very similar story. I thought this was smart, since pre-Da Vinci, Brown's sales weren't all that fantastic, and there would have been a whole lot of angry people if his new book was, say, a romantic comedy. Give the people what they want, or at least what think they want, that's what I say.** The Wife, who hasn't read the book yet, thought it was a stupid decision and believes Brown, having been granted the gift of clout, should have been a little more bold. As usual, I'm right, which makes her not.

Here's what I liked about the book:

1. Pacing--yeah, it's long. Yes, there are some unnecessary scenes and even chapters (but they're short), but the book moves pretty swiftly and you almost always have reason to turn the page (until the end, which drags a bit).

2. The codes are cool.

3. Like Da Vinci, you learn a bunch of cool stuff. There's some history and some art and some tidbits about famous people and lots of stuff about Washington, D.C. Oh, and there's the Masons. Anyone with any curiosity can't help but google stuff from the book.

Here's what might drive you nuts:

The writing---Look, the writing isn't bad in the way most people's writing is bad. It's not like Brown misuses words and drops run-on sentences all over the place. It's just not very good. The most annoying thing is the confusing POV. It's in third person and each chapter is supposed to be told from the perspective of one of the characters. But Brown intrudes all over the place. If he needs to give you some background or explain the meaning of apotheosis he just goes ahead and does it, even though the character would have no reason to think these things. And his use of italics is like Nails on a chalk board. Brown uses italics to tell what his characters are thinking and most of the time it's totally obnoxious. An example:

The "sactum sanctorum," as Mal'akh liked to call it, was a perfect twelve-foot square. Twelve are the signs of the zodiac. Twelve are the hours of the day. Twelve are the gates of heaven. In the center of the chamber was a stone table, a seven-by-seven square. Seven are the seals of Revelation. Seven are the steps of the Temple.

First, there's this weird back and forth between exposition and the character's thoughts, almost like Brown and his characters are taking turns. Second, Brown's characters are often thinking things they wouldn't be thinking. The "sactum sanctorum" referred to above was in the character's basement and he went there all the time. Are we really supposed to believe that every time he looked at the room and the table he thought of the symbolic significance of their sizes? It was grating.

2. Formulaic--A lot of the scenes follow the same pattern. Langdon is given information that he doesn't believe and somebody tries to convince him that he's wrong and eventually, he's forced to Admit that he was, in fact, wrong. After all he's seen, you'd expect him to be a little less skeptical.

Still, in spite of those and some other things (mostly to do with how the story was told, not the story itself), I enjoyed the book and I'll go back for more. It's been written that Brown has 12 more ideas for Robert Langdon books. Let's hope he loses the italics.

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* You will note that this is a pretend reason. You should care. You should care passionately.
**I don't really say this, but I do think it. Sometimes.
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If you're wondering about the capital letters--not a typo. You missed something. Check the old stuff.

Once Again, Bacon is Good

Somewhere along the line I developed the idea that eating is a competitive enterprise. It's probably my dad's fault. He grew up on a farm and was made to clean his plate at every meal. He's never said what would have happened had he refused this order, but having not grown up on a farm I can imagine all sorts of terrible things.

Last night I was faced with quite a challenge. For dinner I decided to clean out the freezer, so we had tater tots, pizza rolls, mini tacos, and chicken nuggets. I cleaned my plate. Then, because my Spartans were playing in a bowl game, my dad and I met up with my friend Brad at a sports bar where I ordered cheese fries with bacon. The waitress asked if I wanted a half order or a full order and I told her half, but if she didn't screw up the order then I'd hate to see what the full size Looks like.

There were actually three choices for the cheese fries. Just regular cheese fries were $4.09. I could add chili for a buck or bacon for fifty cents. But they put these huge chunks of tomato and green pepper in their chili and since it was fifty cents less I chose the bacon because it made me feel thrifty. Plus, bacon is really good. So is cheese, incidentally.

So the waitress sat the enormous plate of cheese and fries and bacon in front of me and I entered competitive mode. Eating is really a contest between you and the establishment serving the food. Here's how I see it: It costs the place x amount of money to buy and make the food. It costs me x amount more to buy it. The system is designed for the establishment to win, just like casinos. But sometimes you just know they're taking a loss on the thing and this inspires me. It's why I love buffets so much. At buffets, if you eat enough you tip the scale in your favor. Four trips later, there's no way they've made money on me.

I've bought bacon at a store before and the stuff's not cheap. And these cheese fries had real bacon in them, complete with the little globules of fat. And there was a lot of it. So I knew that if I ate the whole thing, the place would probably take a loss on me. I faced the challenge with enthusiasm.

But bacon's hard to eat with a fork. It breaks off into these hard little bits that can't be stabbed and forks are shit for scooping, so I did the only reasonable thing. I picked off wads of cheesy fries and swirled them around the plate allowing the grease and gooeyness of the cheese to absorb the bacon chunks.

It was good. And, with an assist from my friend Brad (I offered out of altruism, not because I couldn't have finished the whole thing myself), we cleaned our plates.

And then today I woke up with a stomachache and had the audacity to feel betrayed.

Checking the Details

I generally like to revise.* In fact, I've done so much revising in the past year and a half that I've basically forgotten how to draft without stopping every sentence and tweaking something. (For the record, I hate the word "tweak" and it really bothers me that it was the first word to pop in my head. I'd like to go back and change it now, but That would make this parenthetical pointless (not to mention really confusing) and although parentheticals are usually extraneous, they're also fun, so in spite of my strong urge to go up there and revise that sentence, "tweak" is staying.)

Today was dedicated to one of my favorite kinds of revising, fact-checking. I'm basically ready to send off the manuscript, but one of the last things I do (before rereading the whole thing and finding more things to do) is double-check all those tiny details that probably don't matter all that much but that might signify to an agent or reader that the author didn't cross his x's and dot his j's.

So here's the list of things I googled today:

• Otter Pops--Do they still exist? (They do. And thank God.)

• Handheld game consoles for teens (The itouch would be the most realistic, but my character isn't allowed a cell phone, so I went with the PSP even though it's a little old school.)

• Image search: 2003 Nissan Sentra dash (I was trying to determine if they have SEEK buttons or just SCAN buttons on the radio. The images weren't detailed enough.)
  

• Will and Grace men kissing
  

• Shock Wave soda (Doesn't exist, except in my manuscript.)

• Ho Hos (Come in boxes of 10. Not sure why I didn't know this.)
  

• Schwarzenegger spelling (I had it right. Just sayin'.)

I also revised my timeline based on what I found using Mapquest. I just sort of winged it when I wrote the story with the thinking that much later in the process I would fix it up. So that's what I did. Here's something fun I discovered:

U.S. Naval Observatory Sunrise/Sunset

It's what you think it is. You give it the year, city, and state, and it gives you a table that shows the sunrise and sunset times for every day of the year. Very Handy** for the anal retentive.

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* It should be stated that I draw a distinction between revision that I think I should do and revision that others want me to do. The former is far more enjoyable than the latter.

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**I've started something new for the new year. In Every post there will appear randomly capitalized words. I do this to annoy.

Goals for 2010

These are just my reading, writing, and blogging goals. I've kept the personal stuff, you know, personal.


Reading--Read at least 100 books

Writing--Acquire an agent, finish two books (one is about a third done already), get better

Blogging--Double-digit posts each month, 120 followers

Books Read in 2009

This one's just for me, folks. I don't trust my memory and since I've started over for the new year I'm hoping this handy list will prevent me from checking out a book I've already read.

• Have a Little Faith
• Ford County
• The Maze Runner
• The Lost Conspiracy
• Al Capone Shines My Shoes
• Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
• Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim
• Secret Windows
• Prayers For Rain
• The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time
• Soul Enchilada
• Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet
• Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident
• The Evolution of Calpurnia Tate
• When You Reach Me
• A Walk in the Woods
• The Big Game of Everything
• Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing
• Fantastic Mr. Fox
• The Twits
• The Magician's Elephant
• Emma Jean Lazarus Fell In Love
• The Glass Castle
• Deadline
• The Shack
• Keeping Score
• When the Whistle Blows
• Scat
• The Art of Racing in the Rain
• Staying Fat for Sarah Byrnes
• Coronado
• Life, the Universe, and Everything
• The Girl Who Threw Butterflies
• Road Dogs
• The Kite Runner
• The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
• 100 Essential American Poems
• Peace, Locomotion
• The Book Thief
• Alabama Moon
• The Mostly True Adventures of Homer P. Figg
• Knights of the Hill Country
• Unwind
• Getting the Girl
• I Am the Messenger
• A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
• Lucky Breaks
• The Nine: Inside the Secret World of the Supreme Court
• Marcelo in the Real World
• The Man Who Was Thursday
• Mudville
• The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
• How to Steal a Dog
• The Spectacular Now
• George's Marvelous Medicine
• Blood Brothers
• Plot and Structure
• Miracle Wimp
• Me Talk Pretty One Day
• Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before
• Characters and Viewpoint
• Bird by Bird
• Plot
• The Order of Odd-Fish
• The Graveyard Book
• Coraline
• Kooks in the Cafeteria (Comic Guy #3)
• Violet Raines Almost Got Struck By Lightning
• Ptolemy's Gate (Bartimaeus Trilogy Book 3)
• Frindle
• Angus, Thongs, and Full-Frontal Snogging
• Baseball Crazy
• Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw
• Schooled
• The Golem's Eye (Bartimaeus Trilogy Book 2)
• Defining Dulcie
• Skinnybones
• When You Are Engulfed In Flames
• The Ear, the Eye, and the Arm
• Sophomore Undercover
• Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing
• The Miraculous Journey of Edward Tulane
• The Amulet of Samarkand (Bartimaeus Trilogy Book 1)
• Shiloh Season
• The BFG
• Graceling
• Millicent Min, Girl Genius
• The Hunger Games
• Saint Iggy
• The True Meaning of Smekday
• Girls for Breakfast
• Triumph of the Straight Dope
• Spanking Shakespeare
• There's a Boy in the Girls' Bathroom
• Whales on Stilts
• Paper Towns
• An Abundance of Katherines
• The Tale of Despereaux
• Looking For Alaska
• Fat Kid Rules the World
• The Waste Lands
• The Drawing of the Three
• The Compound

Some Links

To two of my favorite authors, Cormac McCarthy and James Kennedy.

Cormac's link is a rare interview. It's with the Wall Street Journal back on November 20, but I just found it.

Kennedy's link is on his blog and it's an interview with a reader who hated his book, The Order of Odd-Fish. One might argue that doing the interview is itself a very Odd-Fishian thing to do, since one rarely convinces another to relinquish such strident views. However, I think James just might have persuaded the young lady to revise her initial opinions. And if that's the case, then you can hardly accuse him of dithering.

You might not have the perseverence to read the entire interview, but you should at least read the first question and answer where James explains Ian's mustache thus:

I used the mustache as a physical shorthand for Ian’s awkward transition to manhood. Ian wants to be grown-up, knowledgeable, and dependable. But he can’t quite carry it off yet, just like he can’t quite carry off the mustache.

I'm not sure I buy it, but it sounds good.
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One more thing. Since you can't comment on James's blog, feel free to do so here. My suspicion is that he'll respond.

The Murphy Book Awards

It being the end of the year, I'm handing out virtual awards. I'm calling them Murphys. You know, like Emmys or ESPYS, except without the annoying cachet. I've even created an actual award.
Pretty sweet, huh? If you're lucky enough to win one of these fine looking things, feel free to post it on your Web site. Markus Zusak, I'm talking to you. Like the Emmys, I'm going to include my nominees as well as the winners and carry on far too long. Only books I read this year are eligible. The complete list is in the sidebar.

BEST BOOK WITH AN AUTISTIC CHARACTER:

Al Capone Shines My Shoes
Al Capone Does My Shirts
WINNER: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time

BEST BOOK THAT'S ALSO A MOVIE I'VE SEEN:

Shiloh Season
The BFG
WINNER: The Tale of Despereaux (but the movie blew)

BEST BOOK ABOUT WRITING:

Characters and Viewpoint
Bird by Bird
WINNER: Plot and Structure

BEST "ADULT" NOVEL:

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
The Wastelands
WINNER: The Art of Racing in the Rain

SWEETEST PLOT:

Unwind
When You Reach Me
The Hunger Games
WINNER: The Lost Conspiracy

BEST MEMOIR:

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas
The Glass Castle
WINNER: A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius

FUNNIEST NON-FICTION:

A Walk in the Woods
A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius
WINNER: When You Are Engulfed in Flames

FUNNIEST MIDDLE GRADE:

Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing
Diary of a Wimpy Kid: The Last Straw
WINNER: Skinnybones

FUNNIEST YOUNG ADULT:

Sophomore Undercover
The Order of Odd-Fish
The Spectacular Now
WINNER: Spanking Shakespeare

BEST DEBUT NOVEL:

When the Whistle Blows
Graceling
Spanking Shakespeare
The Order of Odd-Fish
WINNER: Looking for Alaska

BEST MIDDLE GRADE NOVEL:

When You Reach Me
The Graveyard Book
The True Meaning of Smekday
WINNER: The Hunger Games

BEST YOUNG ADULT NOVEL:

Marcelo in the Real World
The Spectacular Now
An Abundance of Katherines
The Lost Conspiracy
WINNER: The Book Thief

BEST BOOK I READ THIS YEAR, PERIOD:

Marcelo in the Real World
The Lost Conspiracy
WINNER: The Book Thief

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Next Week: Blog Awards. The points have been tabulated.

My Somewhat New Look

So something went a little haywire with my blog for awhile and it gave me the chance to learn some HTML in my attempt to fix the problem. And a little knowledge is a dangerous thing for me. It's always bothered me that the Blogger margins for this particular template are huge. I've got a lot to say. (Usually, way too much. Verbosity is my curse. Like right now, for example, I don't really need this parenthetical at all.) And because I have a lot to say, my posts would stretch on and on down the page and I just knew that, like me, some people would scroll down and say, "The hell with it."

So now I've tricked you. I changed the margins. There were compensations. With the exception of the sidebar, I no longer have those spiffy round corners. (And don't think the lack of consistency doesn't bother me. I may yet have to remove the sidebar curves as well.) But what I do have is space, glorious space! So now my posts will stretch on and on horizontally and that image in the header is even more warped than it was before.

This is what happens when I have time off.

Tagged

MG Higgins tagged me in this post and Anita made the mistake of saying she wouldn't do it, so of course I'm totally tagging her. At 26 questions it's a little long, but here's the thing: the questions are all about me. And if there's one thing I like talking about, it's me.

1) What's the last thing you wrote? What's the first thing you wrote that you still have?

The last thing I wrote was an example paragraph for my students. It was about how people judge others on their hair and I wrote about a student I had who shaved his head. Everyone assumed it was because of lice. Turns out, he thought bald heads looked sweet. He's right.

I have lots of old stuff that I wrote. Mom saved everything.

2) Write poetry?
I doth. There's a reason Maya Angelou avoids poems about grandpa farts. I got that market cornered, sister.

3) Angsty poetry?
Not on purpose.

4) Favorite genre of writing?
Humorous Young Adult, such as Sophomore Undercover and the forthcoming Hourglass by Myra McEntire.*

5) Most annoying character you've ever created?
Probably the tax collector in a story that will never see the light of day. He was so annoying, I named him Gallagher.

6) Best plot you've ever created?
Actually, the plot in the story referenced above is probably the best, but everything else about the story sucks.

7) Coolest plot twist you've ever created?
I have a Donald Sutherland-like mentor who is revealed to be working with the bad guys in one book.

8) How often do you get writer's block?

I don't think I do. I get lazy block, though.

9) Write fan fiction?
No. And I kind of think it's stupid. If you want to write, quit wasting your time with other people's characters. Make up your own.

10) Do you type or write by hand?
I plan by hand and I keep a journal the old-fashioned way, but novels and things I might submit are done on the laptop.

11) Do you save everything you write?
No, but I save quite a lot of it. I blame my mom for this.

12) Do you ever go back to an idea after you've abandoned it?
Sure. But it usually sucks just as much as I remembered it sucking.

13) What's your favorite thing you've ever written?
I wrote a paper on the Cuban Missile Crisis in college that is sheer tonnage of awesomeness.

14) What's everyone else's favorite story you've written?
I lot of my friends like the YA I'm getting ready to submit.

15) Ever written romance or angsty teen drama?
I've written a romantic scene or two. Here's a not very good one:

“It’s beautiful,” said Elly, and from this vantage point it was. Alonzo thought that as far as final resting places went, there wasn’t a more peaceful one above ground. He felt Elly standing next to him and in the cool, moist air he saw her breaths condense. They were coming in short, fast puffs. Alonzo glanced at his torch and saw that it had only a few minutes of flame left. And then he felt her fingers dance along the palm of his free hand and he squeezed, interlocking his fingers with hers. Without looking at her, he led her to the edge of the serene underground lake. Finally, he turned to look at her and in her eyes saw a mixture of excitement and fear. He let go of her hand and for a second, he could see hurt in her eyes, but his own look reassured her and he knelt at the water’s edge and dipped his hand into the cool water. Withdrawing it, he stood again and held out his fingers to Elly’s mouth. He touched her lips delicately and felt the warmth of her tongue licking the water from his fingers. And then his fingers were in her mouth and she used her tongue to caress and savor them. He moved his fingers then, exploring the roof of her mouth and running them along the edges of her teeth while her tongue lay still. Then, once again, she rolled her tongue over his fingers and he closed his eyes in ecstacy. Alonzo lowered his hand and soon felt Elly’s fingers at his own lips and the act was repeated. Alonzo licked and sucked lightly, tasting the water but also the flavor of her skin. As he nibbled at her finger, the light of his torch went out and they were left in total darkness. But while they would have been terrified in normal circumstances they found that on this morning, together, they were without concern.

Alonzo and Elly embraced, pushing their bodies into each other and stood holding one another in silence.

“Alonzo,” said Elly. The name somehow sounded different to Alonzo’s ears. “Oh, Alonzo, what’ll we do?”

16) What's your favorite setting for your characters?
My characters find themselves eating an awful lot.

17) How many writing projects are you working on right now?
Seriously, one. But there are others that are waiting to re-ensnare me when that one is out the door.

18) Have you ever won an award for your writing?
I wouldn't have accepted it if I had.

Not really. But that sounds better than saying no.

19) What are your five favorite words?
I don't know. I like lots of words. I especially like words that sound the way they ought to sound for what they mean. Words like sibilance, harsh, monotonous, glee, and crag. Conversely, there are some words that sound the opposite of how they should and at the top of that list is the word droll. I despise the word droll. You cannot convince me that droll should mean what it does. Droll sounds awful. I woke up feeling droll because it was Monday. That's what droll should mean.

20) What character have you created that is most like yourself?
The main character in my YA is certainly based on me at moments in my life.

21) Where do you get your ideas for your characters?
From Fraggle Rock. Jim Henson's the master. I steal from masters.

22) Do you ever write based on your dreams?
I don't dream very often, and when I do I rarely remember them... I think.

23) Do you favor happy endings?
I thought I did, but most of the things I write don't end happily. But they do end with hope and I think that's more realistic.

24) Are you concerned with spelling and grammar as you write?
Yes, and I defend my right to be. They are the rules of the road and can't just be set aside for convenience. Besides, you're going to have to deal with them anyway.

25) Does music help you write?
No. I sometimes use it to drown out other noises, but after the first song I don't even realize it's there. And I doubt it's affecting my subconscious.

26) Quote something you've written. Whatever pops in your head.
"Bologna sandwiches are awesome."


I tag Anita and Anita only.

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*Hourglass is not actually a humorous YA. But it is YA, and I bet there's at least some funny stuff in it.

An Early Jump

As most of you surely know, Myra signed a two book deal with Egmont USA, and her debut novel, HOURGLASS, is scheduled for release in the summer of 2011. This is awesome news for many reasons.

First, I like Myra. She's funny, opinionated, and enjoys my locker room poetry. She also tweeted me once, whatever that means.

Second, it gives me another book to pimp, and ever since Chris's book, The Fourth Stall, got kicked around like a ginger in Calabasas, I've been hankering for a book to promote. So mark the summer of 2011 on your calendar, folks, and get yourself to your local Amazon when Hourglass hits the virtual shelves. Because it's gonna be timeslippin' awesome.

Third, once Myra becomes a big shot, fancy pants writer with Ruthian clout she'll probably be able to get my collection of vulgar poems in the hands of an editor. And then the entire world will be able to enjoy the following and I will profit from it.

Bubble Bath

There are no bubbles in my bath.

My mom says we ran out.

"Well why didn't you buy some more!" I say.

"You no-good, shortsighted Kraut!"

Her lips turn down, she glares at me,

“Young man, I don’t care for your tone.”

I push real hard, grunt, and say,

“I guess I’ll just make my own.”

Kickin' It, Revision Style

As noted previously, I'm revising my YA with the aim of querying in January. It's in pretty decent shape, but unlike my first foray into the publishing world I'm actually going to try to make this book good before sending it out to be ridiculed, derisively guffawed at, and urinated on by soul-devouring literary agents.

Kidding. Mostly.

Anyway, here's a revision method I've tried. I've included pictures for those who don't like words. As always, you can enlarge the pictures by clicking on them.


These are index cards on which I've written a word of two for each scene of the book. I wrote this part in black and then I put them in order. I like the index cards because they're more flexible than a list. I can move the index cards around and imagine how a scene might fit somewhere other than where I have it. For some reason, a list seems more permanent.

The next thing I did was make note of my main character's emotional arcs. He has two, although they are closely related. First, my main character, who's a seventeen-year-old guy, has low self-esteem, avoids conflict, and doesn't really go after what he wants. He knows this and wants to change. Using a red pen, I took each card, thought of the scene, and wrote down a few words indicating where on this arc he falls. In the beginning, he's a timid pussbag. As the story progresses, he dabbles in boldness, challenges his father, and actually makes a few moves on a girl. At the end, he's found at least a little of the self-confidence he's always wanted. Marking the cards in this way allowed me to see which scenes contributed to that arc and which didn't.

To keep this short, I did the same thing with the other emotional arc using a blue pen. That arc represents his changing views on what he wants to get out of his relationships with girls. Briefly, in the beginning, he wants to make whoopie, and in the end he also wants to make whoopie but with someone he loves. Or at least really really likes.

Here's a blurry close-up:
I then went back and noted things I needed to either add or double-check so that each scene contributes something. My next step will be to play the role of annoying literary critic. Basically, I ask myself a lot of questions like, "Why'd you start the story there, huh?" and "What's the significance of that scene?" and "How exactly does this scene move the story forward, you moron?" You know, fun stuff like that.