About a week ago The Wife gave me a new job. I did not apply for it. She said, "Murph, your job is to remind me to brush Little One's teeth before bed." I said okay, although I was pretty sure I'd forget.
Last night, The Wife attended a charity fundraiser (that sounds a lot cooler than it actually was), so it was left to me to put Little One to bed. I was very proud of myself for remembering to brush her teeth. I walked her into the bathroom and grabbed her tiny toothbrush. Then I looked for the toothpaste. I vaguely remembered that Little One used different toothpaste than Mommy and Daddy did. There was a tube lying next to our toothpaste so I assumed that was it. I grabbed it, squeezed some out on the toothbrush and went to work. Little One started gagging and I thought, "Oh, she's like me," because I gag easily. In fact, of all the scary things in a doctor's examining room, tongue depressors fill me with the most dread. I've considered hiding them before. So I kept brushing her teeth and things were going well. Except for the gagging business.
Then I went to rinse the toothbrush and the stuff was not acting like toothpaste. It was like washing butter off a knife. It got wet and smeary and I suppose some came off, but mostly it just spread and became real filmy.
Me: Hmm, this isn't right.
So I picked up the tube. DESITIN, it said.
I told Little One that I used the wrong toothpaste and quickly went to work scrubbing her teeth and tongue with a towel. I got most of it. Then we brushed teeth for realsies and I gave her a huge cup of water.
Me: Let's not tell Mommy about this one, okay?
Little One: Did you use the wrong toothpaste, Dad?
Little One: I didn't like it.
Me: I'm not surprised.
Put her to bed. Checked the google to see how toxic zinc oxide is (not very, thank God). Waited for The Wife to get home, which she did minutes later. I fessed up for three reasons.
1. Little One would have told her anyway.
2. It was funny.
3. Chances are high I'll be banned from doing this job henceforth. And that wouldn't be all bad.