Thursday, September 17, 2009

I'm Inspired

Chris inspired me to write my own ridiculous story and it so happened that I heard this story on the radio while driving home. Here's the line that gave me my idea: "When it comes to public safety, it should be an easy decision,” Bolger said. “We know a building isn’t going to respond to (an emergency) call. A trooper will.”


They built the new police station when times were good. It was state-of-the-art. The townspeople bragged about it to neighboring townspeople.

"You should see the windows," they said.
"It's got a helipad. And cutting edge communications," they boasted.
"It's got four separate wings!"

But then, before the police could even move into their new building, the economy soured. People lost their jobs. They stopped buying things like fertilizer and expensive coffee. They moved to other places. The government had budget problems. Cuts were necessary.

One vociferous group of activists said that the cops were just fine in their old station. It would cost too much to lease the new building. What little money they did have should go to hiring more police. Crime was bound to go up in such a poor economy.

"Buildings don't stop bad guys. Police stop bad guys." That was their slogan.

This all made the new police station very sad. For three months it had looked forward to serving the officers. Who would use its helipad? Who would gaze out its fine windows? Who would use its superb communications system? The station went from lonely to vindictive. "I'll show them," the building pledged.

Across town, there was a domestic disturbance. The police station picked up news of it on its state-of-the-art communications system. Although the building possessed four separate wings, it could not fly. In this way it was similar to a penguin. It was not like a penguin in any other way. Penguins don't fight crime. The South Pole has no crime. It's too cold. Plus, no one lives there but scientists.

So since the police station couldn't fly, it slid along the streets, sending joggers and bike riding children scurrying out of the way. Its hard exterior gouged out sections of road and flattened parking meters and mailboxes. It was like a glacier, but faster.

Black and whites, their lights flashing, surrounded the house. The station had been monitoring police frequencies during its destructive jaunt and it knew that the situation inside was volatile. A husband was threatening to kill his family. The police negotiator had made no progress. Only surprise combined with overwhelming force would do. It was the perfect job for a large, quickly moving building. The police station pushed through the perimeter and smashed into the house. It knocked the house off its foundation and when the man was corralled by the police station's lobby and deposited at the cops' feet, all the officers cheered.

There was a ceremony the next day. The mayor had an important announcement to make. All of the police were there. So was the new police station. They all wore huge smiles.

"Ladies and gentlemen. And building. I have solved our budget problem without sacrificing public safety. The solution is simple. Effective today, all officers have been relieved of duty. Policing will now be the sole responsibility of our new police station!"

The cops were angry. They fired their guns at the police station, hoping to destroy it. But all they managed were a few chinks in the brick exterior. The windows didn't even crack. It was, after all, a state-of-the-art building, right down to the bulletproof glass.

When their bullets were exhausted the cops slumped home. Many of them found their mailboxes in pieces. And if the new police station could have cried, it surely would have.


Monica said...

aww... this is so weirdly sad....

chris said...

love it!

very funny stuff, especially the penguin bit.

MG Higgins said...


I liked the penguin part, too. And: It was like a glacier, but faster.

Paul Michael Murphy said...

I revised for length. The polka dot wearing villain is no more.