Wednesday, September 16, 2009

My Thoughts

Because I know you care. (And also because maybe someone will feel like arguing with me.)

  • There's a partially filled can of Coke on my desk. This is The Wife's doing. I'm ninety percent sure she's never finished an entire can of Coke. I only noticed it (which says something about the organizational state of my desk) because it's making sounds, like insects are scurrying around inside of it. The can has been here for hours. Honestly, it's a little creepy sitting in here with it.
  • Here's how you know you're losing a political argument: You compare someone to Hitler or you call them a racist.
  • Bad news: My beloved Spartans lost to Central Michigan last Saturday. Good news: I guess I was on TV. Uncomfortable thought: I had no idea I was on TV until a few people text messaged me, which means that from here on out I'm going to be very careful about when I yank out my nose hairs.
  • I just finished reading The Shack. The first couple of chapters were good. After that, not so much.
  • It makes me a horrible person, but I have trouble feeling bad about Patrick Swayze. There's a reason they call them "cancer sticks."
  • My opinion of our President was enhanced when I read that he called Kanye West a jackass. If only our politicians would always be so frank.
  • "If you could be any animal, which animal would you be?" I asked on a student questionnaire. (I believe in a rigorous curriculum.) One student answered, "A monkey, because I was born to climb." How would you answer?


Monica said...

i felt the same way about the shack. A little too 'lessony' for me.

kanye is a jackass, Mr. Obama is a smart guy

hmmm.. animal? i'd be an eagle. cuz i hate rodents, and i'd love to be able to fly, but i dont want to be some little wussy bird.

Kelly said...

As much as I love Coke, I never finish the can either. But I always finish the fountain pop Coke.
Ditto on Kanye. Jackass, douchebag, tool.
I'd be a dog in my own house. I'd be well fed, cuddled, and be able to play outdoors with my kids. Is that creepy?

Adam said...

It makes my heart sad that the leader of the free world cares about something so trivial as Kanye West's behavior.

murphyd8 said...

I was on TV right next to you. The only reason I know is because I got a text that read, "Murph- you look like a douchebag in HD"

Nice friends.

If I could be any animal, I would be a human.

Tracy Edward Wymer said...

Kanye has shown his true colors several times the past few years. I wouldn't buy one of his songs if the existence of music depended on my purchase.

Animal? Hmmm. A peacock, because it would be cool to spread my feathers like that. Okay, I'd be a Bengal tiger. Is there really a cooler animal?

Paul Michael Murphy said...

Another kid said flamingo, because she could easily stand on one leg.

Gotta have dreams.

Jason said...

As a child my wife did not eat the last bite of hot dog because it was the "butt", although she was never able to answer when asked how she knew which end was the butt.

Corey Schwartz said...

Tell your wife they sell cute little mini-cans now! The perfect size.

Love Obama!

MG Higgins said...

Do they really use Coke to clean car battery terminals and engine parts or is that urban myth?

I'd be an elephant. Or a whale. Something at the top of the food chain.

Anonymous said...

I would be a manatee.

I actually tried to be one once, this is how it all played out:

Manatees just roam the ocean, floating, eating, slothing. They graze sea life like cows. And they are gentle creatures like cows. That's probably why they are called the cow of the sea.

But my life wasn't like that of a manatee at all. I did not float around and relax, I had to work hard. Not that I wanted to.

I always had a lot to do, but I didn't want to do any of it. I just wanted to be a manatee and float and eat. I wanted to be the cow of humans.

One day, I decided to go swimming with manatees. I thought maybe they would have advice for me.
So I found a company somewhere in Florida. You paid them and then they let you swim with some manatees. They drove me out into the ocean on a pontoon. There were two other people on the boat who paid to swim with the manatees that day. They looked like a father and daughter.

They pressured me with their eyes to converse. To make polite small talk. Like successful and friendly people are supposed to do. I gave in, like always.
It turns out they were on vacation. The man’s daughter loved manatees. Yeah well, so do I, I told them. I want to be a manatee, I said.

After that, I thought I saw the father hold his daughter just a little bit tighter.

Eventually, we were there, with the manatees. I saw the manatees loafing underneath the pontoon. One of them swam up to the ladder and flopped a big, fatty fin over the lowest rung. He hung there, mostly in the ocean, with just part of his pasty gray back sticking out. He was too lazy to float on his own. I smiled.
That’s why I wasn’t a manatee. I never would have made that move.
I dove in after the guide finished lecturing us about safety.

I floated on my back next to the ladder manatee. I saw another one swim underneath me and then float up to the surface. His face was baggy and fat and neutral. He looked lazy and free. I envied his face very much.

I loved my swim that day. The manatees did not do anything, really. They just floated around and drifted like vagabonds.

A few weeks later, after I got home from work, I filled the bathtub with water. I laid in the bath as lazily as I could. I couldn’t float in it, because it was too small, but it felt pretty close.

I smiled and evetually fell asleep.
My wife was pissed when she found me shriveled up like a raisin. She yelled at me about how dangerous it was. She asked what I was thinking. I shrugged, opting not to talk about the manatees.

That night I snuck back into the bathroom and refilled the tub. I again soaked and loafed like a manatee.

The next morning, my wife made me an appointment with Dr. Manlee.
The irony of the doctor’s name was not lost on me.

Dr. Manlee never brought up the bathtub stuff directly. He mostly just asked other questions. I answered like I had been conditioned to my whole life: politely.

When I got home from the doctor’s office, I took another three hour bath.

My wife cried. I smiled.

She sent me back to Dr. Manlee.
I told the truth this time. It’s what a manatee would have done. They never tried to hide their sloth. They owned it.

Dr. Manlee didn’t have much to say. He just prescribed me some pills.

I went home, took my pill, and then took another bath. My wife cried even harder. I merely asked her if I could have another bath.

This routine went on for a few weeks. At one point, my wife bought a lock for the bathroom and hid the key from me. But I always found a way to get in. Or sometimes I just lay in bed, pretending I was in water.

Now I live at the state mental hospital. I have no worries. I have no pressures. I mostly just lie around all day. Sometimes I takes a bath or go swimming in the huge pool. I am happier than I've ever been.

I finally feel like a manatee.

Paul Michael Murphy said...

I laughed so hard I cried at the manatee story.


"I wanted to be the cow of humans."

"After that, I saw the father hold his daughter just a little bit tighter."

"I never would have made that move."

"I shrugged, opting not to talk about the manatees."

Brilliant stuff. Thanks to the writer. (I'm betting Chris.) More of this would be excellent.

chris said...

Haha, good call PMM.

Anita said...

Well isn't this just dandy, arriving here after Chris and his manatee.

I'd be a cheetah, 'cause it rhymes with Anita. Sorta.

Paul Michael Murphy said...

You used to get here minutes after I posted, Anita.

Course, I used to post more regularly.

Monica said...

nice.... Chris, you're a very random person.